Jade lied down late on a hot night in Ohio as her thoughts raged and she felt like the weight of the world lied upon her, holding her a hostage in her bed. She felt Paralysed, she couldn't even move and her mind could not rest; she could only count reasons to stay awake. It was an exhausting day although she didn't even leave the house. But her mind wandered here and there enough times to make her feel very tired.
Lying on the small table to the right side of her bed was a book that she was reading for the 4th time. It was a small book of one hundred and seventy eight pages -with prints too small that she had to wear her glasses when she read it- wrapped by a black cover where lie three white stripes and you could read the title, "Awakened". One can say she was addicted to that book in which the protagonist was a woman struggling with depression and what not. Maybe the reason why she loved that book was that Edna -the protagonist- reminded her of herself.
Jade held the book only half an inch above the table surface before her shaking hand let it slip onto the edge and into the ground. There was not any attempt from her to pick it up. It was like she had given up even the smallest things in life that ever made her happy. Or maybe she doesn't believe anymore what that book says about defeating depression.
She turned off the lights on the left side of her bed and stared at the darkness haunting her room. And as usual, she started replaying, in her head, scenarios she had been accustomed to her whole life.
"You are already thirty two, what are you waiting for? Pushing everyone who comes close to you away. You are never getting married if you stay like this." Her mother's words burned in the back of her head and the echos got louder and clearer as the night sunk in. She thought to herself, "my own mother.. if my own mother is telling me this over and over, how can I blame others?" Because surely not only her mother, Mrs. Austin, did nag about her not being married yet, but almost everyone around her did give her a hint or two about the matter.
Mrs. Austin was in her late fifties. Grey strands showing off from between her long black hair which she always put in a bun. However, grey has never found it's way into her head except when, 10 years ago, her husband Mr. Jack Austin had died horribly and tragically when a huge vehicle went off track and onto the kerb where he was standing. Ever since then, she had set a goal; and that was to raise her three daughters as future wives and mothers. Emma, jade's older sister got married 6 years ago when she was twenty seven. She is only one year older than Jade. And Jennie, short for Jennifer, is 24 and already engaged. Maybe that was one of the reasons her mother kept on nagging about her not getting married as soon as possible.
Jade lied still in her bed. She had lost count of the days she had been depressed already. With everyone putting the pressure upon her, she started to feel weak and worthless, she even let the thought sink in her head that she is not going to fit in and she will not be accepted if she doesn't get married soon enough.
There was that man who had been trying to approach her for about a couple of years but she had nothing in common with. She had given him a chance before, or maybe two. But she couldn't let him in. His thoughts never met hers and she had that feeling that he would never be a good spouse for her.
Jade felt so weak and helpless to a point that she had even thought about giving him a second chance, for maybe he would have changed or maybe she had changed and she could accept him now or let him in.
Mr. McGregor was a tall, well groomed man who was about thirty eight. Light brown hair that was always brushed backwards, blue eyes, suit and tie. A well known lawyer, mostly known as one of the smartest men at the job. But to Jade, he never really seemed that smart; well, of course it depended on which perspective she was judging him from.
She was picturing what he looked like and she was trying to convince herself she would like him over time. Her eyelids got heavier and heavier until she dozed off thinking about it.
The next morning jade got out of bed after a two-hour long argument with herself about whether she was able to get up or not. But eventually she did and she went up to her mother and told her she was going to see Mr. McGregor, or as she called him, "Bernard". She always called him Bernard although she hated the name but she knew he hated it even way more! And she might have enjoyed that distressed look on his face when he was called by his first name.
"What injustice am I going to bring upon myself; but what the hell..." She wrote in her notebook and shut it close shoving it in the rare end of the shelf of her closet.
She got dressed and went out to see Bernard. They walked down a hill that led to a small lake and sat there for a while. There was awkward silence for what felt like a lifetime to Jade. She stared at the three ducklings floating around and then she broke the silence, "I wish I could swim." Bernard looked at her as if she said something very peculiar, "swim?" He questioned. "Yes, why?" Answered Jade. He paused for a couple of seconds and then, looking away, he murmured, "swimming.. what a waste of time."
Jade felt like someone hit her on the back of her head but she remained silent. Days passed and she and Mr. McGregor were preparing for their engagement. However, Jade was like a zombie, she was not thinking, she was aimless and fragile.
It was finally the day of the engagement. Bernard was very excited he woke up early and started getting ready. Jade, as well, got up very early that morning but not out of excitement. She excused herself from the breakfast table and went for a walk.
In the evening, everyone was in the guest room, including Bernard, waiting for jade who was supposedly getting ready for the ceremony. But that evening Jade never showed up.
She had realised that morning when she went for a walk that this is not what she wanted, she had dreams to persue and she had a long life ahead of her to do the things she loved and always wanted to do. Like writing and learning how to swim and a dozen other things than those.
It was like she had been awakened. She had finally come to the conclusion that she had to do something for herself. All her life she was trying to please others, but not today. It was her turn now to see the good things in life.
Some merchants say they had glanced her once or twice at the shores of Florida, in the heart of the sea being one with the waves.
