Journal of a SAD Girl

I sit in my room, alone. It’s not unusual. I like the solitude as I jam out to music. A smile splitting across my face as I sing the chorus to the empty room. Right here in this moment I’m enjoying myself but I know it won’t last for long. It never lasts for long. Tomorrow I’ll have to go to classes and suffer through the day but for right now, I’m happy.

--

I walk down the path on my way to my first class of the day. My eyes focus down at the ground watching where I walk and praying that I don’t see anyone I know. Luckily I make it to class without any un-welcomed disruptions. I take a seat off to the side and listen attentively. The professor starts taking attendance and my heart starts to hammer in my chest waiting for her to call my name. “Lily Jamison.” I raise my hand and choke out a here as my cheeks flame up. When the professor asks a question that I know the answer to my hand refuses to rise and stays glues to my side. As soon as class is done, I race out of there and to the café to get lunch. As I stand in line, I think about how I’m going to ask for my food, playing it over and over in my mind, so that it comes out alright. My heart pounds and I’m next in line.

“What can I get you?” The man behind the counter asks.

“Tuna sandwich,” I get out.

“Is that all?” he asks. I nod. I wait and as soon as my order is done, I grab it, and find a table in an empty corner to sit at. I blend into the background and hope that no one sees me and I can just be invisible.

--

I’m balling my eyes out silently in bed as everything comes crashing down on me. I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t do this! Why can’t I be normal like everyone else? Why is it so easy for people to talk with one another? They make friends like that. While I’ve been at college a year and have yet to make a friend no matter how many clubs I’ve forced myself to suffer through.

But try as I might I can’t do it. I can’t be around all these happy people. I just want to be back in my room, alone. It’s the only time when I can be myself and not feel like absolute crap.

These people all hate me. They don’t give a shit about me. They don’t understand how hard it is for me to just act like them. To just interact so easily.

Why can’t I have friends? Is it really too much to ask? I just want one friend. One measly friend. I’d like a boyfriend too but that’s asking way too much.

I’ll never have a boyfriend. Guys won’t look at me twice. As soon as they try and talk to me, I panic. My heart starts hammering, my face heats up, and the most I can get out is a few words. Then afterwards I replay it over and over and over again and beat myself up over it. I’m a complete socially inept mess.

I grab my journal and I start writing feverishly as my emotions overwhelm me and flood down onto the paper.

--

Journal Entry #1

It’s just one of those times again when I know that I'm going to live alone. I'm not going to amount to anything. It's perfectly clear. I’ll never have friends ever. It's just not in my cards. I'm not a friends type of person, I can’t handle it. If I can't get something as simple as friends there's no way I'll ever have a significant other. No way in hell, I'm ever going to find a guy for me. It's just not going to happen unfortunately. I mean it has to be that way for some people right? Not everyone gets a happily ever after. Not everyone’s story has some nice happy moment in them. My fairy tale is more like the Brothers’ Grimm ones instead of the Disney ones. Not everyone in the world is going to be alright some people are going to fail. It's just the way the world works. Not everyone finds someone. I can’t deal with people. It's my nature and there's no changing that, I've realized no matter how hard I try. I am who I am and that's it. Some people commit suicide because their life sucks and that's it for them. That's their happy ending. They live a tormented life and then it's all just over with. Their life is gone there was no happy ending. Unless you believe they are in a better place. Hopefully that's everyone's happy ending. I hope because each and every day it becomes more and more apparent that I'm not getting a happy ending in life.