I Wanna Love You Forever

CHAPTER 14: I Hate This Part

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I HATE THIS PART

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This time it wasn’t my imagination, or a dream, not even just a fantasy that is running hopelessly inside my head. That warm voice that used to strangle my very existence to be hers alone without her knowing called me. I stand motionless with shock and fear and pain.

“Please? Just for… tonight?”

I struggle to put up a smile before turning to face her. Undecided of my feelings, the only thing I’m sure of is that I want to be with her. The truth remains; that I’m mad, that I still feel hateful on how things between us ended, that I was fooled, that I feel played at, that… she makes me feel like an idiot. I want my revenge, but… I just … can’t. I’m still—

“I know I’ve…”

“Okay.” I interrupted unthinkingly. It was driven by that emotion of not wanting to hear her sorry voice that will surely drive me insane to ruminating if it was part of her lies and sweet talks, or if she really meant it. I really am… confused.

I gave her a smile as I walk back inside, keeping my hands tucked at my back pockets still trembling. She followed me going in and closed the door. Why? I could only ask it at the back of my mind. Why does she want me to stay? Why did I even say okay? Why can’t I just say no? Why can’t I just turn my back and run away? Why? Why? Why can’t I just show her what I’m feeling? Why can’t I show her that I’m mad at her, that I’m still hurt? Damn it.

“Let’s order pizza?” she asked in a nervous tone, squirrel teeth displayed at me. “You haven’t had dinner yet, right?”

I nodded as I sat on the couch, averting my eyes off of meeting hers. “You haven’t had dinner as well?”

She shook her head lightly, “I had your coffee, but I feel like having pizza too.” She sat beside me and grabbed the phone. “Ah. D-do you want something else? S-sorry I got…”

“Pizza is fine.” I answered back looking at her. “Anything is fine.”

She sat next to me and dialed. I heard her ordered two family sized pizza, one all-meat flavor and one Hawaiian, both we used to have whenever we feel like going out for dinner. Our eyes suddenly met for a moment and she beamed at me nodding. “Oh. And a lot of hot sauce please. Plus extra cheese.” She said while giving me an assuring look. She knows I love making mine hot.

“Two family sized.” I murmured a little louder for her to hear. She just beamed at me. “Are you sure you’ll be able to finish all those?”

She pouted at me and leaned her chin on my shoulder. “Are you not going to join me?”

It was a combination of shock, longing, and pain when I felt her body so close to me. I honestly don’t know what to do. Should I keep my distance? Should I keep her closer? Maybe wrap my arms around her. “I will.” In the end, I just let her be.

“Yey! Then two of that size is good… enough.” Yuko sounds tired. She must be.

“Hmm?” I peeked at her as I felt her breathing became steady. She slept on me.

Is it okay? Can I hold you… like before? C-can I at least brush off that hair off your eyes? I miss her… so bad. I miss the way we cuddle, her body leaning on mine, her scent, and her arms around my body. I miss the way her cheeks warms my chest, the way it brushes my collar bones as I get to smell the fragrance of her shampoo. I miss the way we rest together, tangled like the headphone chords that was kept on someone else’s pocket. I miss you, Yuko. I miss us.