I was usually really nice. I never really said anything rude to anyone, not even to the girls that pissed me off twenty-four seven. Every once in a while, I'd tell a girl off, but that was only when they were being hypocritical and yelling at someone for doing the exact same thing just a day before.
Let's say they would start drama. Then, Anna or someone else would say something that might start some controversy. The girls, Jessica, Ella, Caroline, Shantal, and Taylor, would start something up, then blame the drama on Anna while she was just stating her opinion. This happened at least once a month and Anna always had me to stick up for her, but since I lashed out on her, she's been ignoring me. Honestly, this was all my fault. It was my fault that Lilly continued to talk to me and eventually start picking on me. It was my fault that I had lost my best friend. It was my fault I wanted to die.
Every once in a while Anna and I talked on and off. When it was on, I'd always say something to make it "off." Anna couldn't take our friendship going up and down, on and off so much. Anna told Caroline a lot of what went on between us and that made me even more upset at Anna, that'd she'd rat me out to others. I would never do that to her, no matter how much I didnt like her at the time. The worst part for me was that Caroline would tell the rest of her group and then they would confront me about it. They made me feel as though the entire argument was my fault, eventually I started believing it. I still stood up for Anna, but I never had anyone to stand up for me, and I needed someone. I needed Lilly.
No, actually Lilly was the last person I needed, but I needed somebody and she was just there. A week after telling Anna was when I started talking to Lilly again. I told her what I had told Anna and she agreed. We'd still be good friends if Anna hadn't showed up at my school.
After a few weeks of talking to Lilly, Anna and I made up, for good this time. By "for good" I mean the longest we've made up for since we had started fighting. I told Lilly about this, because I wanted to hang out with Anna more, I made her feel like shit and I needed to make up for it. Lilly seemed hesitant to letting me, but knew that I wouldnt let her hold me back based on us not being friends for a month and a half. It had been probably two weeks that we had made up and now I was leaving her, again. I was leaving her for the same person I did just a few months ago.
Just like last time, Anna and I still hung out with Danielle. With would vent to each about whether or not Lilly's talking about Josh got annoying. The answer from all of us was always yes.
One day, Monday, April 15th, 2013, a day I will never forget, was a day that I allowed myself to break for the first time. I had always allowed myself to be sad about James, but that never got to me so much, I was used to it. Lilly's bullshit got to me. It hurt too much for to not get to me. That day went like this:
It was a very normal day. I wouldnt have expected it to be any different from the others until it happened. The confrontation that had broken me. Broken me to the point that I felt that I couldnt be fixed.
Anna and I walked out on own and talked to each other until we had seen Danielle and Lilly step out of the building that the lunch room was in. We wanted to know if Lilly was annoying Danielle, the only thing we talked about nowadays. "Danielle, come here." Anna and I said in unison.
"If Danielle goes to talk to you, I'm coming, too." Lilly says in reply to us.
"Please, it wont take long." I say, praying that would get her leave us alone. It wouldnt take long, either, it would literally only take ten seconds to ask the question and get the answer.
"Fine." Lilly says rolling her eyes as she walks over to a few other eighth graders, the eighth graders she only recently started talking to, and Lydia.
"Is Lilly still annoying you?" I ask with complete sincerity. I wanted to start to hang out with Lilly again if she had stopped talking about Josh. This mustve been how Nicole felt about me talking about James, just worse saying that I was practically obsessed with him.
"Yea." Danielle said simply. She acted as if she felt weird around us, as though she'd never been around us without Lilly before.
It had been about three minutes of the three of us standing there until Lilly and the girls she was hanging out with had come to get Danielle back. Lilly acted as though she owned Danielle.
"Why hasnt she come back to talk to me?!?! It doesnt look like you guys are doing much talking!" Lilly says as soon as she gets into hearing range.
"Maybe, she doesnt want to." I say in more of a question tone of voice as I suggested the idea.
"Im her best friend! Why would she not want to hang out with me?!?!?!?!!!" Lilly acting like shes innocent as always.
"Maybe, because she thinks youre annoying!" I say in a sarcastic, enthusiastic tone. It's true, though. Danielle found Lilly annoying.
"Look, just leave us alone and let Danielle hang out with us!" Rat Face Lydia calls out. She's always annoyed me.
"She can hang out with you all she wants. We were done talking five minutes ago and if she wanted to talk to you guys, she wouldve walked over to you and talk to you, but she didnt." I say in reply.
"Either way we're done talking now, so just go and leave us alone." Anna says trying to defend me.
"We're not the ones who need to be leaving the others alone. You are." Lydia says in her annoying high pitched squeak.
"Really? Who's the one who treated the others like shit?" Anna repplies. I love her for attempting to stand up for me, but she's not doing a very good job of it.
"What are you talking about?!!!?" Lydia sounded flabbergasted, as though this idea was impossible. "Lilly would never hurt a fly!!!" I liked how Lydia was standing up for Lilly, who talked shit behind her back. A bitch standing up for a bitch.
I broke down in that moment. Both of them were fighters, plus they had another two girls with them ready to stand up for them as soon as one was getting weak. Then there was Anna and I. Both weaklings. Both willing to give in to almost anything. Both of us had already been broken before. Neither of us were planning to, until I had. At first one tear, then the next, then the next, and then another. They just kept coming. We were near the fence around the field outside so I just walked to the closest one and sunk down. It wasnt worth fighting over. Theyd win. They always get their way. Theyd win and feel good and confident and Id feel more worthless than I already was.
"Bitch, get the fuck up. Nothing bothers you. Youre not actually crying." I dont know why I listened to who everyone called 'rat face' but I did and I got up. "Youre just faking." That took me over the edge.
"YOU DONT KNOW A FUCKING THING!" I burst out. "LILLY HAS HURT ME OVER AND OVER MULTIPLE TIMES, IVE BEEN ABLE TO HOLD IT IN UNTIL NOW. until you." I said the last two words hoping that they would have some effect on her. They didnt.
"OK, fine. We will sort this out. You two will work things out and we wont have to go to the teachers with this."
(A/N: I wrote this because Shantal(foreveraloser12) really really really really really really wanted me to write again. IM sorry that I havent written in a long time.
Ive been quite busy with some personal stuff. By personal, I mean I chose to do it, I didnt have to, but I wanted to. It all happened to be on the computer so really I was just too lazy, but I really plan on working hard on it until this book is done. A lot has happened in the past few weeks. A lot to write about and yea...
I will be posting chapter 10 later today, hopefully...
ALSO!!! I got a tumblr crush cx. Shadow141. He is adorable ASDFGHJKL. He is just awh. But he likes f4i-f4i so..... yea.
Thats all for now, ily guys! mwauh! Byee Xx. ~ Tara)
