I didn't mean to

Now is too late.

I didn't mean to.

I swear, I didn't mean to.

I loved her way to much to mean it.

On Wednesday 19th July 2017, we were leaving. This little trip had been planned not long before. We were supposed to go to your daughter's, my aunt to spend 5 fun days. That, we did. But you were supposed to get home on Monday 24th July 2017. You were supposed to get there and talk to your Kitty Cat because you thought that "She missed us all". You were supposed to get home, and tell Aunty C to get the bags empty. You were supposed to go see Loolou and give her that Doll you got her. You were supposed to go to F and D's and give them that hell-smelling cheese you got them. You were supposed to answer my phone call on the next day and let me hang up because you didn't like to do so. You were supposed to repeat your "Bye, love." over and over again until I got off the phone. You were supposed to do all that on Tuesday. You were supposed to tell me how bad of a driver Grandpa is. You were supposed to answer Mom's call the next day to let her talk to E and M. You were supposed to assure me that they were nice enough, and that they hadn't been eating my oreos. You were supposed to.

But that didn't happen. Instead, my stupidity got you where you are now. You didn't have enough time to do what you were supposed to. Because of me.

If only I had said "Hello". If only I wasn't so stubborn. You would have eaten your plate, drunk your coffee and you would have gone home. Taking two of my siblings with you, Grandpa and Aunti C. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But the fact is that I am stubborn. I didn't want to say "Hi" to him. And as drunk as he was, he started to yell. He yelled, yelled, and yelled again. Then, he started to throw every single thing he could reach. You must have been so afraid, Grandma. This thought alone makes my stomach do flips. I feel so bad, Grandma. If only you could know .. If only you could hear my pleading.

"Take your bag, you're coming with me."

This is the last sentence you told me. Trying to protect me. Trying to make sure nothing would happen to me.

And then your heart simply stopped beating. Just like that. In the blink of an eye, you were gone. 

Did it hurt ? Did you suffer ? Did you see the light ? Did you hear us calling your name, crying and pleading for you to stay ?

These are questions which I will never know the answers to. And God only knows how much I long to hear your voice again. To see your face again. To hear your laugh once more. To see your smile again, just one last time. 

You taught us everything, Grandma. 

How to walk, talk, smile, yell.

How to bake, fake, cry, stand.

But you never had enough time to teach us how to live without you. 

I didn't even get the chance to thank you. To tell you how much I love you. To tell you how much I'd miss you if you were to go away.  

And now, Life is just a hurdle we have to overcome without your presence. 

I could accept it as it is. But I could never fully forgive myself, Grandma. 

Now I am left wondering if you can actually see us from where you are. If you can actually hear the words we say. Nobody really knows if there's a Better Place up there, but I choose to believe there is. Simply because I couldn't stand the thought that you are now nowhere to be found. The thought that I shall never see nor hear you again. And, because of it, I'll make sure to include the fact that you are still here, somewhere while making my way through Life. 

Missing you for the rest of my life is the price I have to pay. And I'll try my best to make you proud, Grandma.