Dear Ralph

June 16, 1992

Dear Ralph,

I don't know you yet, but soon I will. Today is the first day of class. I'm in 5th grade and you are a grade lower.

I was on my way to the bathroom to prepare myself for school this morning but I didn't make it. I was half way there when my sight started to dim until I couldn't see anything anymore. My hearing started to diminish as well. There was a sensation of falling, my head felt light, my body cold. Everything went quiet. Then I think I slept.

When I woke up, or I think I did. I heard screeching of metals, rubber shoes' friction against the floor. I could hear a male's voice commanding some people to do something. I could feel my body again. I opened my eyes but darkness was all I could see. I felt I was being transported to somewhere. It felt like these people who owned the voices I was hearing were in a rush. I am guessing I might be in a hospital. I could hear the sound of the PA system calling out doctors' names. Everything felt to be moving except for me. I couldn't move. I panicked. I wanted to say something, anything, but for some reason I couldn't. It was like my body cannot follow what my brain is telling it to do. I was crying in my mind but there were no tears flowing from my eyes. My head hurt very badly. I wanted to throw up. There ot was again the spinning sensation I was feeling since several months back. Suddenly, the movement in my surrounding stopped.

For the very first time that day, I heard my mother's voice asking the doctor what was happening to me. I want to reach out to where her voice was coming from, but again my body won't let me. I heard the male's voice saying something about a syndrome, and then some things. Lots of things I really couldn't remember nor understand. I think I drifted a bit.

When I semi-woke up, or at least that's what I called it in my mind, I could still hear voices in the room. There was a commotion. I searched for my mother's voice and I couldn't find it. I wanted to scream. Scream for help. Scream like a banshee, just to let them know that I'm actually awake. I panicked again. I was thinking - wait a minute, am I paralysed? I can't! I can't be paralysed! I don't want to be! I seem to panick a lot today, it's getting annoying already. I'm not really sure how to describe this, but in my almost ten-year-old mind, I'm doomed!

The Doctor. I forgot about him for a moment! I decided to call him Dr. Happy in my head for some reason. I wanted to be optimistic that this might just be a dream. There he went a again with the syndrome thing, commanded someone to fastrack laboratory results so he can check my createnin, whatever that maybe. My head still hurt, my nape was numb.

"Check her BP again!" he barked at someone. I could feel the pressure enveloping my left arm, I felt some discomfort from the grip of the material. My mind told me to relax and just enjoy the sensation of tenderness. At least I can feel something. I mean what else can I do, right? Then the head ache.

"180 over 100", a female voice said.

"Adalat now!" Dr. Happy's voice boomed. Then

My mother's voice finally said, "Doc I need to know what's going to happen to her."

I heard Doc Happy took a deep, slow breath. In his unhappy voice he said, "There's a very big possibility that your daughter will not be able to function capably again. She will be a vegetable. I'm sorry."

My mother was silent after that information was divulged. Me, I was thinking, I'd like to be a carrot if I'm going to be a vegetable someday. Beacause...I don't really remember my reasoning. I still wasn't sure of what was happening. Let's give it to Doc Happy for not beating around the bush. "How long?" she asked.

"Six months," was his reply.