so much better off.

broken.

What is a weapon?
A weapon is a thing designed or used for inflicting bodily harm or physical damage.

With that being said, does that mean that words can be a weapon because the words that were said definitely caused some sort of harm to me. My heart aches with pain and sorrow. There's no hope for me. My mom, dad, and my best friend tried to help me get out of this tragedy that I was going through. They all failed. No one could restore me back to the loving, caring, girl that I used to be. Now, I just sit in my room, laying in my own sweat and tears.

My mom brings me my mail. My name is always printed in the middle in the typical black ink. I shuffle through the stacks of envelopes "Electric, gas, the health clinic..." I quickly look at them before returning them to my nightstand for my mom to handle. I was still holding the one from the local clinic "I wish I never went to see a doctor because now they think I'm depressed too..." I put the envelope back with the rest. I looked at the prescribed medicine bottles sprawled out my bed. My name and the instructions were printed in big bold letters, WINTERS, AVA J, TAKE TWO TABLETS A DAY BY MOUTH, and blah blah blah. "I hate those stupid pills." I always tell my mom I don't need them. I'm not depressed. Just heartbroken. She says it's the same thing but I don't think so. They're just connected in a way. 

My mom still can't seem to figure out why I am in this state. There is only one reason why I am in this condition, and the thing that made me become more and more of this way was Jay. He's my ex-boyfriend. The one who really broke me. He treated me in such a way that a person would treat a piece of old food. He tossed me away as if I were nothing. Why'd he treat me in the way he did? What did I do wrong? I didn't deserve what I got yet I got that sort of treatment. After a five year relationship, he let me go so fast and already had another life started. I loved him and the whole time while we were dating, he didn't love me.

"You're just a dirty, lowlife, whore! You're nothing to me. And always will be nothing to me! Get out of my life and stay out!" That continuously echoed in my head. He said it with no remorse. His tone was so blunt and stone cold that I felt my very soul leave my body. I couldn't function after that and I knew that I wouldn't be able to. All I could do after that was go home and cry. I cried for hours, which turned into weeks. And the waterworks just wouldn't stop.

During this time, I stopped eating and dropped a few pounds. After that happened my mom tried to force me to take my antidepressants but I don't take them whatsoever. They don't help and they won't make me eat so what's the point? I let out a long sigh turning over and staring at the window that was covered by a shade. I wonder how it's been outdoors since I've been indoors. Maybe I should go outside one of these days... just not today.

"Ava, sweetie. You have to come out and get some fresh air. You can't stay in there forever. You need a job. And you need to pay your own bills. I can't pay them forever." My mom said through the door, sounding concerned. Although, she is right, I'm not in a good condition to work. Even if I was, I'd rather just stay in the dark void I call my room.

If my mom didn't force me to deal with my hygiene, I'd probably still be loathing in my own filth. The only thing that causes me to do so is that she threatens me by saying she's going to call my doctor who I strongly dislike because I don't need her services. She's just wasting her time on a job that requires no work. In the end, she calls her anyway and I always fall for it. Dr. Red comes by weekly to make sure I'm taking my medicine,  which she knows I won't take. So, like I said, she's just wasting her time on a job with no work.

My life has boiled down to nothing ... and all I know is that there's no filling it. It will remain boring, sad, and dark.