I solemnly swear that I miss you

Chapter Two | owT ɿɘƚqɒʜƆ

Thursday, november 18th 1998

I don't want to be alone. I can't be with Ginny, She's with Harry. I can't be with mom, it's not an option. And dad is at work.

Ron is home though, but he's not very social
I can't be like this anymore, I have to do something. I have to let the others now that I'm over it. I'm not, but I want them to think I am.

The sun is shining outside but inside of me is a dark hole of nothingness. I feel the warmth from the sun in my face from the window, but it doesn't reach further than that.

Mom is in the kitchen, she's making dinner. Dad isn't going to come home until late, so it's just me and her. I don't look forward to that. It's going to be quiet and she is going to try to talk to me about Fred. If i do, I will flood with tears. I prefer being empty and pressing away my feelings.

People say that I am going to feel better if I talk about it, but what do they know about me? They don't have a dead twin brother. Or a sad family that just keeps treating you as a child because you are sad yourself. They also say that I have to stop drinking.
I don't do it so much, and I have tried to stop. It's been a couple of days since I got drunk, and mum has taken away all my alcohol.

Suddenly, I hear peckings on the window. It's Pig. Lee isn't coming tomorrow then. Fuck it. Well, I can be alone, I am often alone these days.

I walk up to her and open the window. She flies into the room, and to my bed. She has a letter tied to her claw. When I
reach after her, she flies away. Why does she always do that? I jump after her, and after a few attempts and angry sighs I manage to grab her tail. She flaps with her wings as I untie the paper from her and let go.

Hi Fred! I miss you Too. Sadly, I can'T come on Friday, I have a family Thing ThaT we do every chrisTmas holidays, and after ThaT I'm going out. You should come Too! iT's a parTy at Reagans house, Reagan Allen, you know. You have been There, I Think. I understand if you don'T want too. Anyways, aT 8 . See you There! (Maybe)

A party. Alcohol. After my addiction I got after Fred's death... I recently stopped. Or, I'm trying to. I haven't drunk alcohol since October.

I remember the time me and Fred were outside when winter had arrived to Hogwarts, and we kept throwing snowballs at Snape under an invisibility cloak. (That stopped functioning after a week)

He could never accuse us, even though he knew it was us. Me and Fred stayed up late that night with some other students. We were 13, soon 14, at the time. Some of the cool kids in 6th grade had mixed in more alcohol than usual in the butterbeer, and people told me that I had to drink. And I did. I have always done anything to be entertaining. Fred didn't drink as much as I did, even though he did drink much too. That's all I remember. Fred helped me to the dorm. That was the first time I got drunk.

I have been to multiple parties after that and I have always had fun, but I haven't gone to one since Fred died. And I shouldn't, either. I will surely break down because of all old schoolmates and all the memories with Fred. But... it would be kind of fun. I'll tell Lee to remind me not to drink. Too much.

I don't know... should I go or not? It will maybe help me move on. I could just... be myself. If that's possible without Fred. I guess I'll give it a try.

Reagans house is actually not far from here. I could actually walk. It would take maybe 40 minutes. But I'll transfer. I'm too lazy to walk.

Reagan and I have never known each other, we were in different houses, and he is two years older. Ron knocks on the door and says "dinner"

Nothing more. I have to move away from this house. I cant be 20 and still live at home.
"I'm going to a party tomorrow night" Ron says at the table.
"Me too. You're going to Reagans too, right?"

Mom looks at me, worried. She doesn't look at me often, I guess I remind her of Fred.
"Don't drink too much... I"
"Mom, I will not drink a single drop"
"Can I trust you?"
"Yes, and I am 20 now, I can take care of myself. Or... I still can't tie my shoes properly but, you know what I mean"
"I'm not so sure"
"And, if I wanted to drink, I could do that. You don't have my decisions now, I can do what I want. I'm 20" I say calmly.

"I have your decisions until you can make your own"
"No. I'm in fact of age to do whatever I want"

"But I am your mother!' She says, angrier this time. Ron has been quiet the whole time.
"Yes, you are, but I am an adult!"
"You don't act like one!"
"You neither!"

"Stop it" Ron says, quiet. I am about to answer when mom starts talking again.

"I am more adult than you!"
"No, you are not!"
"I am, who was the one that made this food?"

"You, but that doesn't make you more adult"

" COULD YOU JUST STOP!?" Ron screams at me and mum. "This is maybe a good timing to say that I am moving out" he says, right to my face. I feel my heart fall to the wooden floor.

"Are you joking?" I say, knowing that he's not. Mom seems not so surprised.
"No"
"Great. My little brother moves out before me. Fun" I say, Ironic.
"You actually own an apartment, Fred"
I feel like my whole body is on the ground.
"What did you just do?" I hear Ron say, but it's like I don't understand English anymore. I sit still for what feels like minutes, before
I stand up and run outside.

The ground is ice cold. It's November after all. I don't cry, I just... want to get away from my family's scared faces and worrying eyes. I look up at the sky. I can't be out here for to long, mom will feel too guilty.

The sky is a little bit cloudy, the sun is covered. I hear footsteps, I expect it to be Ron, but it isn't. It's mom.

"I'm so sorry, my dear, so sorry"
"It's okay"
"No, George, it's not okay"
"No like for real, I just needed to get away for a bit. I'm fine"

She hugs me.
"Okay, then" she says, and walks inside again.