A letter to my therapist

Dear John,

I was going to write this to myself because I understand this is about me and nothing else. However, I feel like writing this final letter to myself would feel disingenuous in a way because I wouldn't have been able to face this next chapter without your help. And, I can't think of moving forward with my life without thinking about the words we have exchanged and spoken. There has been laughter, tears, anger and silence. A lot of silences, my head racking with what to say next, the anxiety of wanting to fill an empty space. A lot of 'I don't know'. I am not sure what I don't know even means anymore when I say it. A Virgo is actually supposed to have great communication skills, did you know? You probably would have never of guessed it.

Things were really hard before, they felt unbearable. I felt alone like I had no one to talk to. The world didn't make sense before. It was just buildings, with bricks and mortar. They were just people, or even flesh that spoke about thing their children or watching bake-off. Admittedly, people are still those things but now they are those things and more some. The people in our lives are a huge part of why living can be a great thing because other than finding happiness within yourself, you can also find happiness in other people. But you might not have met that person yet and that is ok because there are 1000s of people that we are compatible with.

When I left I university, I really wanted to love something, I really wanted to be passionate about something, I really wanted to be academic, and loved, and have the best time of my life. I felt like those things came so easily to others, so why couldn't I find it?

At first, I feel like I blamed everything of every institutional problem going. That doesn't mean those things don't exist anymore, and it doesn't mean that those things haven't played a role in my life because they have. However, what if those things never change? What if racism continues for another two centuries, what if Trump is elected again, what if I never know what its like to have two parents that love and support you unconditionally. Does that mean I can never move forward with my life? Does that mean I should stay angry at the world, at myself, at people? Its never easy letting go of things, anger, hurt, I'm not suggesting its easy but I have to move forward, I have a classic chip on my shoulder.

I think I am incredibly awkward to the point of literally laughing at everything, I hope this hasn't come as disrespectful. When I was at school, I spent almost everyday dreaming, wishing, hoping for things to be different when I left. I didn't even know what that was, I just knew that things weren't right, that I wasn't happy and that no one cared. I dreamed of getting in a car, and packing my things and driving away, never to see the

Why I can't I just believe in my own ideas? Having confidence in my own ideas is a part of being an adult. People disagreeing with me is a part of being an adult. I honestly don't know if I will ever feel good enough, but I think I will only know if I move forward and make decisions in my life.

If you asked me what the point of life was 12 weeks ago, I would have said I honestly don't know. I haven't really thought about that in a long time, but if you asked me now, I would say, for me anyway, I want to see what I can achieve, what can I make out of my time, who knows how limited. Whenever there was a tragedy people say, you never know how much time you have left, you never know when tomorrow could be your last. I used to think so what, who cares if you die tomorrow, life keeps going and well die so who cares if you go tomorrow or today. But now I think life is this massive, complex things where I haven't even experienced half of what most people experience. I don't know what its like to be in love, if that even exists, how does it feel to walk down a wedding aisle and have everyone watch you every step and make a massive commitment to someone, I don't know what its like with people I love or people I hate, I don't what it feels like to pay an £800 bill, how it feels to get your dream job or have the ability to help other because you're in a privileged position.

I love writing, I never really say that because I thought that if I didn't read enough I would never be a good writer or have a big enough vocabulary. I also didn't know what I wanted to write. I know I love writing because when I'm sad, I write and when I am happy, I want write it down, so I never forget it and remember it when I'm 90 years old and need cheering up one day. Writing preserves our culture, our history, it's when I am the most me I can possibly be. It reveals my darkest fears and biggest ambitions.