The Call Into The Void

L'appel du vide

The Sint Janskerk protruded from the city ground like a diamond in the rough. I gaze up at the rusty red church as I begin to step towards it. It stands out from the rest of the surrounding buildings which all were painted in beige earth tones. It stands with pride and poise. I take a deep breath before I enter to ensure I will be calm and well mannered. This isn't just a building. It is a church. A place of peace and innocence. A place which represents and morality. A place where history meets religion.

As I enter the church an overwhelming feeling of security and composure washes over me. I feel a strong presence run through my veins. I walk around and examine the church. It looks so peaceful, so calm. Impressive pillars jut out of the wooden floor to form beautiful curving arches between each other. Chandeliers hang from the ceiling and a glistening organ watches over the many students admiring the architecture around them.

After paying for receiving a ticket to go up the church I approach a small seemingly unnoticed wooden door. I pull open the door which reveals the way up.

The dark, stone cold stairwell seems to twists around endlessly. The metal steps are old and rundown. The climb up is dimm and bleak. The only illumination is the blazing sun which is shining through a few small rectangular holes which pierce through the brown stone wall.

I start walking up. Eventually my feet get tired and heavy. I feel cursed. Like Sisyphus. Like I'm pushing up the same stone up the hill and letting it crush me each time over and over again. The stairs feel never ending. Each step up makes me lose hope of ever finding an exit. Ever getting out of this constant loop of more stairs that lead into the eternal darkness.

Right when I was about to give up hope, I see the exit. I quickly break free and burst through the door and into the light. I rush over to the fence which surrounds the edges the church towering over me. I take a look past the fence and gaze at the city beneath me.

Then I feel it. L'appel du vide. The call into the void. That terrifying little voice in your head that tells you to make the strongest choice in that moment. To self destruct. Throw yourself off that building. To propel yourself into inevitable death. Death. What a terrifying yet intriguing concept.

To just not exist. I just can't wrap my mind around the thought of not being able to move, breath, feel or live.

L'appel du vide. When your brain subconsciously takes control of a situation and makes the most powerful choice you can make strangely appealing. Strangely tempting. To scream in a silent room. To destruct and to be destroyed. We all get those thoughts sometimes. It's just a matter of if we can admit to ourselves that we feel this way. If we can admit to ourselves that destruction will always be oddly inducing.

I place my hands on the chain fence surrounding the tower and let my fingers glide down the murky bronze colored wire. A chill runs down my spine and that lingering thought of destruction won't leave my head.

These are the thoughts that circle my head while I stare at the town beneath me. Everything seems so close yet so far. The houses bellow look almost unreal. Like dollhouses. The people look as well. They are like little statues placed and are controlled like marionettes. I feel so far from reality. So disconnected. I feel helpless as I watch the people on the ground move. Who are they? Where are they going? I just stand there and observe the seemly unknowing people below me. Why are they exactly here, in Maastricht, at exactly this time? Which events in their lives lead them here and where will it take them? These are questions that I will never know the answers to. I can just stand here and helplessly observe.