The Days You Were There and My Future

Letter 10: My Answer

The Parallel World Timeline of the Year 2012

Agnes:
“I hope you realize how I feel about you.” said Ethan and he started to blush.
He shared his feelings with me.
“You don’t have to answer! I just wanted to tell you how I felt….” Ethan said and he started to feel embarrassed.
“Okay.”
An answer…. My answer is obvious. I feel the same way about him.
The next day, Ethan run behind me and I saw that he’s using the bag I gave him.
“Morning Agnes!”
“Thanks for using the bag!” I said and he smiles.

Ethan, I feel the same way.

While P.E time, Mandy, Elize, and I are picking the balls inside the gym and suddenly Anton appeared.

“You’re not gonna answer him?” said Anton.

“Huh?”
“If you’ve come to get in the way, go home!” said Mandy.
“I came here to help. So aren’t you gonna answer him?” Anton asked me again that question.
“Hey, get out of here!” shouted Elize.
“If I answer him, maybe it would bother him.” I answered and everyone started to laugh at me.
“That’s just like you, Agnes!” shouted Elize.
“After all, I don’t know what to say.”
“Just tell him exactly how you feel!” Mandy said.
“Agnes, just make sure you do answer him.” Anton said.
“Hey cut it out will you? Don’t bully her. Agnes, really you don’t have to worry about it. I’ll be happy if you treat me like you’ve always treated me.” Ethan said and he looks at me.
“Looks who’s playing cool.” Elize said.
“Shut up Elize. Well I’ll carry this. Let’s go Anton.” Ethan said and he walks away with Anton.
“Yes, captain!” Anton said and he whispers to Ethan.
I wondered what they are talking about.
“Hey Agnes, Ethan said you have a cute ponytail hairstyle.” Anton shouted and I starting to feel embarrassed.
“What the?!!! I didn’t say that!!!” Ethan shouted.
“Huh? Yes you were I heard it.” Harry said.
“Hey Harry what are you doing here?”
“Don’t be ridiculous you just said it.”
“I didn’t said anything you idiot!”
I wondered what Ethan think if I tell him how I felt about him.
When the school hour ends, Anton suddenly asks me about something.
“Hey Agnes, do you know what your letter saying about in September 22nd?”
“September 23rd? I guess I’ll check it out.” I said and I read the letter.

September 23rd
This is what I heard from Ethan’s grandmother after he died:
Ethan attempted suicide on this day.
She said he hanged himself with a towel in his bedroom and was taken to the hospital unconscious.
Ethan was absent from school for several days.
Starting on the 24th, the reason was that he was hospitalized.
The day before, Ethan met his friends from his old school.
He told his friends about his mother’s suicide and that he wanted to die too apparently.
But his friends thought he was only joking and laughed at him.
I want you two talk to him about his feelings.

“Anton, what should we do?”
“It said the same thing in my letter. But the world of the letters and our world are a little bit different. The way our Ethan is now, maybe there is no attempted suicide in his future. On the other hand, it’s still possible that suicide still in his future.”
“So what now? We should do something fast.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll do something for him.”
After class, I follow Ethan until we ended up alone in the classroom. Ethan started to make a whoosh outside the window.
“Hey what’s that noise for?” I asked.
“Nothing. It’s like if I jump from here, will I fly? Like Super Man”
“No you can’t though.”
“Don’t be serious about it. I was thinking if I’m Super Man, I’ll be able to save my mother. Just kidding.”

Ethan seems to be weird now.

“Oh, this weekend, I’m meeting up with my friends from my old school. They all guys though so don’t worry.”
“Don’t go with them!!!”
“What’s up with you, Agnes?”
“Don’t go with them please.” Anton said suddenly.
“What? Okay, what’s going on now?”
“Hang with us instead. Why don’t you talk to us? Especially when you’re hurting?” Anton said.
“Okay, what are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about your mother.”
“Wait how did you know that? Did Agnes told you?”
“Yeah. Something like that.”
“There’s no way I could tell you about this. I considered you guys my close friends. When I’m with you all guys, I want to laugh.”
“It’s exactly we’re close friends that you should talk to us! If things were rough just say so! We’re all positive that we can help you! We don’t wanna laugh without knowing what you’re going through, Ethan! We don’t want that.” Anton shouted to him and it starts a short silence.

“Have you ever thought…… that you wanted to die?” Anton asks.
“Yeah…. I have. Every single day.” Ethan said and he hides his face and starts to cry.
“Why?”
“It’s all my fault.. I broke my promise to my mom on the day of the opening ceremony. I thought….. It was a pain….. It’s all my fault.”
I couldn’t say something to comfort him. If I’d been able to say something back then….. Why I couldn’t I have said anything more to put his mind at ease? But what should I have said.
“Everybody thinks stuff like that is a pain. Like my mother stops nagging me. I have to study or clean my room… what a pain is the constant loop in my head. It’s natural, you get that right?”
“But…. It’s different! I…..” Ethan said and Anton suddenly hugs him.
“Stop feeling regret. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
It’s not about Ethan will think of me. He deserves the truth. He deserves to know that he’s needed.
“Ethan….. Please don’t die. I don’t want to lose you. I feel the same way about you. I… I love you so whatever you do, please don’t go away.” I said and I started to cry in front of him. He suddenly smiles.
“I said you don’t have to worry about it. Thank you. Hey Anton are you crying?”
“Of course not.”
“I’ll lend you my towel for now.”
“Thank you.”

Ethan is always smiling. Even when he’s sad, he smiles like always like since I first met him. But, there’s still a sadness behind his smile. I want to see him to smile for real.