before
When i was little i would always wake up every morning, brush my teeth and get dressed. I would run out of the door so happy to go to school and play with friends. I smiled and laughed all day long, wishing school would last forever. At the end of the day i would sit in front of my school refusing to leave until my parents forced me to. I'd come home play with my dog or play some games with my siblings and just enjoy myself. After that I would eat shoving food down my throat so hungry like a hippo. After I ate I'd take a bath, play with my toys and shampoo my hair. I'd get out dry off and lay down in my bed so comfy and tired I'd watch my favorite cartoons until I fell asleep. I always had a smile on my face so happy I can wake up and go to school.
but I did always wish I can grow up and do more things.
Now
now I wake up every morning not wanting to get out of bed. I straighten my hair pick out a really cute outfit, I apply mascara and sometimes eyeliner and foundation. I go to school and fake a smile. there's so many times I want to punch all the teachers and students but I don't. I often feel all alone, although people are beside me nobody will ever care about me. My eyes only spot sharp pointy objects even tho their is a blade hidden in my pocket. I go to the bathroom, in the stall. pull up my sleeves while tears run down my face, the blade kisses my skin leaving big wet lipstick stains that drip all over. I place some toilet paper over so nobody can tell I've been kissed. I roll down my sleeves and wipe my tears I go to class and hide my face. I stare at my work so confused. I can't concentrate I'm shaking to much the lipstick is still dripping suicide thought are all in my head I can't even remember how to add 2+2 what has gotten into me. there's a monster that is making me scared. I have the fear people will stare. I go home, up to my room I slam my door and run to my bed. I lay down face planted on my pillow and I cry a storm. dinner time comes I say my stomach hurts just so I don't eat but I get forced to and screamed at. I get a plate, a spoon full of Mac and cheese a spoon full of corn and a inch or a steak. I wait it slow while my hands shake like an earthquake. when I'm done I take a shower, loving how you can no longer hear me cry. after the shower I go to my room, close my door and turn on music, sad music, suicide and self harm songs is all I have. I use my pillow to hold my tears. hours later I fall asleep it takes me so long because all of the things going through my head.
you don't know how much I miss the old me.
Its crazy how when you're young you cant wait to grow up because you have so much things you want to do but you grow up to fast and when you're a teenager you want to stop moving on. instead of wishing you were older you wish you were dead...
so much happens but you will win this fight.
reminders:
1. don't EVER try to be someone you're not
2. if you can't be yourself around someone they are not a true friend
3. if you ever think about self harming don't do it! because once you start you cant stop
you feel like a monster got in side of you but the monster is you and you don't realize it. as you do the cuts get more deeper, more visible, and you must say goodbye to shorts and short sleeves.
