Say My Name

Chapter One

Rome sat on the cool marble bathroom counter with his back to the deceitful mirror behind him. The glass felt strangely comforting pressed against his bare back, and for a moment he found himself feeling almost...at peace. His waist-length hair concealed his chest from sight, and it was because of this he could enjoy the feeling of being bare chested, with an obvious lack of discomfort.
He listened to the pounding water as it filled the tub, knowing damn well he wasn't doing it simply to soak. He found the noise extremely soothing, despite its thundering echoes. His thoughts wandered aimlessly in his head for what could have been seconds, hours, minutes, or days, for all he knew. The sudden realization that the tub was still filling jerked Rome rather unceremoniously from his abstract imaginings, and he slipped reluctantly off the counter to shut it off.
He sighed, scooping his hair into his hands to make a loose bun. Disgusting... he thought to himself as he took in his now fully visible reflection. There was no denying the definite feminine qualities his body reluctantly possessed, and he felt his vision start to blur as unwelcome tears began to well up in his pale green eyes.
His curves were abundant, and far from toned. His hips and thighs weren't too extreme, yet he despised them to the point of feeling nauseated at the very sight of them. Disgusted, he turned away and plopped one foot into the tub.
Scalding hot, just like he liked it. The burning sensation seemed a fitting punishment as it blazed against his skin, the very skin that betrayed him. He was just about to sink below the foaming bubbles when there was a sharp knock at the door.
"Rose! Are you okay? You've been in there for a while." His mom called, sounding equally nervous and reluctant. Rome flinched at the use of that revolting name, his dead name. Of course, he couldn't hold it against his mom. He was in the closet; she had no way of knowing that her daughter was actually her son.
"Yeah, Mom. Just thinking." Rome called, cringing at the high tambour of his voice. So girly. Disgusting. The answer seemed to be good enough for his mom, because soon it was just him and his thoughts once again.
His loneliness was beginning to get to him, as he had lost all of his friends when he'd come out as transgender. Of course, they'd kept their mouths shut about it, but they sure weren't too discreet about their obvious discomfort with the whole thing. Sighing, he replayed the day he began flying solo over and over in his head.
He was sitting under the large oak tree in the center of the quad, which had become his friends' favorite hangout spot over the years. Today was the day he'd tell them. What would he say? He could hardly just sit them down and say "Hey, guys, guess what? I'm no girl, I'm really a guy! Call me Rome, and from now on I'd really prefer you call me by he/him pronouns only." As simple as that seemed, he doubted they'd take it well.
They'd responded well enough to him coming out as bisexual a year before, but had always been careful around him after that. Z, the proud emo and self-proclaimed "best" of the group, had decided that Rome was romantically and sexually attracted to her, and spent the past year flirtatiously hinting at him, despite her being straight. And then there was Rebecca and Lea, who had decided to take off rather than risk becoming the slightest bit homosexual themselves. Perhaps the most painful of all was the reaction of Rome's supposed best friend, Vanessa. She had pretended to be supportive of Rome's bisexuality, but was really terrible at hiding her true feelings about the subject. It was as if she considered him a token friend, a collectible. She now had a complete collection: an emo, a drama kid, two preps, and a gay. Never mind that Rome was much, much more than this. He was also a musician, an artist, an athlete, a writer, and more importantly, a human. But now, he'd always be 'that confused girl'. What made it even worse was the fact that he wasn't even a girl! He was transgender, which gave him a whole new set of even more dangerous obstacles! He took in a sharp breath as Z and Vanessa made their way to him, hands flying madly as they spoke simultaneously. Rome shook his head, rolling his eyes. If he knew them at all, he knew that they had to be gossiping. After all, it was what they did best. He folded his hands in his lap, hoping to steady the trembling with one final attempt. To no avail. Vanessa dropped her backpack onto the dirty concrete to Rome's left, and stood directly in front of him, oblivious to his discomfort. She had always been ignorant to the concept of personal space. Z was no better, sealing off Rome's last glimpse of the campus behind them with her narrow frame. "Heeeey." Vanessa had said in her most obnoxious tone, a new voice she'd developed after meeting her drama friends. "Hi." Rome had nodded, his voice hoarse and almost reluctant to make a sound beyond that. He cleared his throat and ran his hand through his dark hair. "Guys..." he'd started, focusing hard on their shoes rather than the faces of his friends. "I need to tell you something. It may be hard for you to take, but it's really important to me. It'd mean a lot to me to have you guys' support on this." At this, Z had spoken up. "Sure, Rose. What's up? Oh God, you're not PREGNANT, are you? What's Micah going to say?" She'd whispered rapidly, looking genuinely as though Christmas had come early. Surely that could earn her a few thousand gossip points. Rome felt his heart sink at the mention of his boyfriend. Micah still had no idea that he was dating a transgender. "No, I'm not Z. I'm a guy. I'm not-" he started, feeling a warm blush creep to his face, "I'm not Rose. I'm Rome, and I p-prefer male pronouns. So......yeah." He finished lamely, scuffling dead leaves around with his old black converse. He dared not glance at their faces. After a few seconds of deafening silence, Z spoke.
"So.....you're saying you think you're a boy, and we should call you Rome?" Rome felt his heart throbbing in his throat. That couldn't be healthy now, could it? "I don't think I'm a boy, Z. I know I'm a boy. I'm just in a body that doesn't match my gender identity. I'm transgender." He finally looked up, regretting it instantly. Z looked skeptical, as she usually did when someone other than herself had a problem. Vanessa looked, to Rome's disgust, absolutely thrilled. "So, it's like having a gay best friend!" She had said, clapping her hands together. "It's like Mean Girls." Despite his best efforts, Rome snorted. "Yeah, how great for you. So, anyways....are you guys cool with it?" Z took two steps back, making an extra attempt to pop her hip unnaturally far. She had popped her bubble gum once, twice, and then taken a deep breath. "I don't know, Rose. How do we know this isn't just another one of your obsessive theories that fall apart after a while? I mean, you say you're bi, but when have we ever seen you show interest in a female? Never!" Rome had been deeply offended by this. "Because the whole time I've known you, I've been with Micah! Why would I show interest in anyone else while I'm perfectly content with him?" Z had said nothing, confirming her skepticism at the legitimacy of Rome's claim. He turned to Vanessa. "What about you?" He'd asked more sharply than he had intended to. She rolled her eyes in a highly exaggerated fashion, her clumpy eyelashes dropping chunks of mascara onto her cheeks. That was nice, it gave Rome something insignificant to focus on while awaiting the verdict from her. Vanessa had smiled an empty-headed smile. "Well, it's cool I guess. Being transgender is very in right now, very trendy." At this, Rome couldn't feign politeness any more. In fact, he couldn't filter himself in the slightest.
"Fuck you guys! I thought you knew me better than this, but I guess I was wrong. You are both too self-centered to give a rat about me or my life unless you can gossip about it! So go on, get to it! Tell the whole school, I don't care any more!" He'd stomped off before either girl could reply. It had been months, and he had yet to hear from Z or Vanessa. Both of them had seemed to be doing just fine, though. Z was in honor roll, and on track to head straight to a four-year university, while Vanessa's facade quickly gained her a high status within the drama club.
Rome snapped out of his memory with a quick jerk, only to discover the tips of his fingers were incredibly pruned. He wrapped a towel around his waist, and when he was certain the hallway was deserted, he made a mad dash for his bedroom. He'd be damned if he was going to wear a bra, even for the short distance between the bathroom and his safe haven of a room.
He slipped on his faded Thriller t-shirt and a pair of boxers, a secret Target purchase from a year ago. It made him feel so much better, even if he did have to squirrel them away in the bottom right corner of his middle drawer. He flopped rather clumsily onto his bed and pulled out his phone, briefly checking his messages.
(2) Micah 8:37pm
He responded to his boyfriend's messages and logged into his Pinterest account. He found himself browsing through pins of different short haircuts. He ran a hand through his long hair, feeling the sudden urge to tear it strand by strand from his scalp. Nobody would ever take a boy with waist-length hair seriously.
Feeling strangely exhausted, he decided to shoot his mom a text rather than enter her room and ask her in person. Too many precious calories would be wasted that way. After all, this wasn't the Stone Ages.

Mom, what would you say about me possibly getting a haircut? 😅
Sent
Depends...how short are we talking? It took forever for you to grow it to the length it is now. 🤔
Sent
Like....pixie cut. But a long one! Like, curling around my ears. And there'd be bangs!
Sent
Oh, Rose! You always want to go extreme....what if you don't like it? You'll be stuck with it for a very long time!
Sent
No way, Mom. I've been thinking about it a long time; there's no way in Hell I'd regret it!
Sent
Okie dokie....I can call tomorrow and schedule you an appointment with my lady, if you want....Annette's really good. 👍🏻
Sent
Yes!!!! Thanks, Mom. You're the best. Goodnight. 💙
Sent
And with that, Rome drifted off to sleep, with vivid visions of his thirty inch hair littering the salon floor the following morning. It was going to be the very welcome start of something new.