I'm gonna be very honest, I love my friends and my friendships with them. I have two best friends who I love very dearly. Both have been a huge part of my life, helping me make decisions I wasn't sure about. Something was always odd though. You know how in relationships people talk about the alpha- or meta person in it? I always felt like the meta one, the submissive one.
I always felt like I was the friend that agreed with everything, didn't really say anything when my friends couldn't hang out because I know people are busy but I always took it personal. Not intentionally of course, but I thought that the reason they couldn't and didn't want to hang out was because either the last time we hung out I did something wrong or they were plotting against me. Sounds crazy but I always thought I did something wrong. I've always had the fear of losing people that I love and like I already told you I love my friends.
Friendships are very important to me. Just having someone you can pour your heart out to and who listens is the best feeling ever because they make it seem like everything is going to be alright at the end.
Now what if that friend, that best friend, you pour your heart out to is not available for you to talk to? It's probably one of the most heart-breaking feelings. Remember, I take everything pretty personal because of my fears. I can't explain how often I cried because of these situations. Often those situations were just me overthinking about what could happen and not being able to say how I really feel. I want to keep my friends happy and if that means I have to put my feeling aside then I will do it anyway because I'm the one who agrees with everything, remember?
I'm just the type of person who needs validation that I'm being a good friend because I can't really rate myself. And when my friends give me the validation that I need I feel so relieved, I feel like for a moment my fears just vanish and I don't have to worry about them...but that's only for a brief moment.
I sound like an attention-seeker, I know, but I'm someone who needs a lot of affection and love.
