A World Beyond Ours

o n e

louise claire vernon

I used to think that there's goodness in me--that there's hope in everybody. That was before. After my ten years of pains and regret, I'd like to say otherwise.

We all live in a world where the greedy succeeds; kung saan the liars excel. A world where the good is burdened and finish last. A bit of kindness will do you no good.

Offer food to the poor, may magsasabi't magsasabi na pakitang tao lang 'yan. Help a person in need, gusto lang ng kapalit. The world is full of judgemental people, and it's the reason why I'm sick and tired of it.

He isn't an exemption, apparently.

He was my light; my way out of this terrible reality. He's the only hope I had in humanity. And now that he's gone, I don't see any reason to put up with people.

So, here I am, sitting in my bed, alone, a pencil and paper on my trembling hands. Kailan pa ba ako hindi nag-isa?

My parents are divorced. Nakatira ako sa lola ko because mom is somewhere around the globe, putting her job first, rather than her daughter. Not even a single phone call, hindi niya maisingit para lang sa akin.

My father, however, is in the Philippines. The problem is, he has his new family; the family that he hid from my mother three years before they even got divorced.

Ang galing nga, eh. He was able to hide his mistress for three years bago pa man nalaman ni mom.

Funny how they, my parents, were even high-school sweethearts in their time. Si dad pa nga daw ang nanligaw ng isang taon dahil dalagang-Pilipina si mom.

The irony of life.

Suicide. There are many reasons why people commit suicide. Mine is not because he's gone. I'm not that kind of girl where iwanan ka lang, you'll kill yourself. It's heartbreakingly painful, I know, pero it's not enough reason to kill myself. No, it is not because of my family's past, either.

It's because I'm not really important to anyone. Nobody really needs me. My parents don't even care. I don't know if anybody ever did love me. I'm not even sure kung minahal niya talaga ako.

What's my significance in this world anyway?

So, I wrote my final goodbye.

I folded the note in half, at bumaba papunta sa kitchen. I was planning on leaving the note in the counter para if ever man na hanapin ako ni lola ay alam na niya ang kinahatnan ko, but there, sa counter, was another letter.  This letter was not addressed to anyone. I picked it up to read--

"Lou, apo, nandiyan ka ba sa kusina?" rinig kong tawag ni lola. Iniwan ko na ang note ko for her on the counter at dali-daling lumabas ng bahay para sumakay ng taxi going to my last stop.

I'll miss her.