Depression. What is it like to be depressed? What is it really like? To her, it's like drowning while seeing everyone around you breathing. It's a horrible, terrible, disgusting feeling.
Imagine looking at yourself in the mirror each day and wanting to throw up at the sight of your face, your thick thighs, bulging stomach and drooping arms.
You look in the mirror and what you see breaks your heart. A strange monster looks back at you, it's eyes filled with anger and disgust, "Who are you?" you ask. It smiles wickedly at you before erupting into sad, lonely tears.
You start to go online, searching for things to lower your self-esteem. You shouldn't be doing that but you just can't stop.
How to starve yourself
How to look perfect
Collar bones
Flat stomach
Hip bones
Thigh gap
Anorexia
Bulimia
Ana
Useless. Fat. Distusting. An embarassment. Ugly.
Just think. Really think about it. Imagine always feeling an empty pit in your stomach, one that can't be filled. No matter how much food you eat to try to fill it up, it will just never go away. The food only makes you sit by your toilet seat, shoving two fingers down your throat. You talk to your family but all they do is tell you to stop being dramatic and be happy.
They just don't understand you.
Instead of explaining again and again, you shut yourself out. You start loosing energy. You give up on going out with your friends, you start loosing interest in the things that used to mean the world to you, you lock yourself away.
Away from the harsh reality.
Away from the harsh words thrown at you.
One tap is all it takes, just a few small mistakes to break down the walls you've built against the world. Just one. last. tap.
You are so fucking useless. Just kill yourself, idiot.
You lay on your bed, crying yet empty. Millions of thoughts running through your mind. Should you? Hated and mistreated, you long to give up. Death sits by you, day and night, waiting for the moment to strike. Pills, knives and a noose all lay there, taunting you but you look away from them, refusing to give into the temptation that's crawling under your skin, seeping it's way into your bones until you entire body is consumed by it.
When you were little, death seemed horrifying. Never seeing another sunrise? Never fulfilling all your dreams? Never living life to the fullest? Scary, right? She thought so too but now, you've both surrended. You've both given your lives away, watched as Death ripped your broken souls from your starved bodies.
Your mother finds you sitting in your bathroom, cold... and dead. She screams. and screams. and screams. She can't stop screaming as she holds your unmoving body close to hers. Your father runs in, having got a call from your neighbor whilst he was at work. His knees drop at the sight in front of him and he lets out a strangled cry that sounded foreign even to him but he didn't care. He crawled to you and your mother, hugging you tightly.
Everyone you used to know starts praising you for the hero you weren't, saying they wished they got to know you more. Your bestfriend shakes her head at them, too emotionally drained to fight back at them. Too drained to scream at them and call them out for disgracing your name with their filthy lies.
Your grandmother is speechless as the news reaches her ears. Your aunt bawls her eyes out, wishing she had noticed the signs. Your uncle goes into the room of your cousins to tell them what has happened, resulting in all of them crying for hours on end. Your parents? Well, your dad turned to alchohol and women for help and comes home every night drunk and screaming and beating your mother, blaming her for your suicide. And your mother, beaten and broken, spends every remaining second of her life wishing she had been nicer to you, wishing she had loved you more and given you all you wanted.
Look what you've done. You've left your family heartbroken with a void in their lives that will never ever be filled.
If only they just understood you.
