Entry #3 {Family Issues}

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Do you ever feel like the world is against you? Like nothing you do is good enough?

I do. Pretty much, all the damn time.

I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like people don't want me around because like I said in my first entry, I dampen their moods.

I don't like the thought of that but it is what it is and I can't really do much about it.

I've always thought that I am a kind person. Someone who can smile in any situation and I do but I am always looked at like I am not enough or not 'special'.

I always look for the positives in life. Even when there really aren't any. I will always try to find something to smile about. Anything.

For example; recently -about two or three weeks ago- my nonna (grandmother in Italian) was submitted into hospital because she had a "minor heart attack" -whatever that means.

My family was shocked to say the least. Obviously my Zia, (aunt in Italian) being the overdramatic and sensitive sole that she is, cried the most. The rest of my family cried too but I didn't -neither did my mum but I will speak about her another time.

I don't really know my nonna -or the rest of my family for that matter- well since we have lived apart since I was a baby. We did do visits and what not but I didn't and don't actually know any of them. It's a sad truth.

Basically, I didn't cry and I still don't. I honestly refuse to cry because I need to be strong for my family and especially my mum. I keep thinking that my nonna will get better. She has too.

She owes me pizza.

Okay, before you say I sound like a selfish bitch or something, let me elaborate; before my nonna got ill, she promised to make me some of her homemade pizza -since Italians are so big on pizza and pasta, especially pasta. So now when my mum and I go to visit her, I always try to lighten the mood and just get a smile out of her since she doesn't smile. She is too exhausted to.

I'll joke around and go, "You have to get better nonna. You owe me pizza remember", I would say in a joking manner and add a wink at the end.

It would make her smile but my mum or aunts or whatever would send me glares or looks that kill. They obviously think I am being a selfish cow (Sorry but I don't "moo").

Anyway, Sometimes saying the pizza thing would get a little laugh out of her.

I say sometimes because all the medication that she has to take, her lack of eating and lack of sleep is affecting her memory.

I found it funny and sad that she forgot who her daughter in law was. Yeah well, she's a bit of a female dog anyway.

Okay, that's a bit mean. Sorry, not sorry (and yet another story for another time).

About two days ago, we found out that my nonna was diagnosed with pneumonia. My mum and family fear she may not make it buy since we are human, we can only hope she does.

I think my nonna has got it the worst out of all of us.

1) she has stage two diabetes.
2) she just had a minor heart attack and is still recovering from it.
3) she was just diagnosed with pneumonia.

Relatively in that order.

I better start finishing off now. My ass of a father is drunk and shouting at my sisters for god knows what.

(That's also a story for another time)

Signing out now,

Anonymous x
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