It's being a busy day running all the time, trying always to be on time. Be nice with everybody, belong to everybody but not to myself, What happened? What changed?...I remember that happy boy who always smile even if everything was against him, I take a look at old pictures and suddenly I start to tear up, what's different between that happy boy and this guy right now that does not know what he is doing, maybe that's the answer... but what's the question that I have? do I really know what I want or a I just improvising until I get something right?
What happened to that brave boy who was not afraid to said what he felt about something or someone, who fell in love and did not care of what's next he just enjoyed that happy moment even if it lasted a couple of hours or years. What changed? Why am I so afraid right now to loose someone that I've been seeing for one week, you are not in love! -that's what I keep saying to myself. But why every single moment with that person make me feel safe and make feel like that happy boy that I remember.
I think I have the answer for all my questions: Experience. But with that answer I say in which moment of my life everything went wrong... well no wrong but in when was the exact moment when I became this guy, I remember very clearly my first relationship with a guy, it was almost 5 years ago and it lasted for a year and half and by right now I still don't know why we broke up but maybe that was our destiny after all, be our firsts. With this guy it took me a while to trust him, so why in the actual hell this new guy that I just barely know make me feel confident and save, what i first thought was that maybe he is doing what the other guy was doing at that's why I feel great with him but that theory went down as soon as I knew that they are completely different persons.
I still remember my first date with someone like it was a couple of days ago (literally was a couple of days ago) I've never been in a date with someone before, like you know in restaurant and a fancy dinner, stuff like that, so I was quite nervous but I said why not let's try this, maybe this is your right why after all, I went with a negative thinking saying this is gonna be this time and never see each other again because that has been my life so far as soon as i start to like someone they tell me that they haven't get over his ex's so I went to this date expecting the same thing but something went wrong, well actually not wrong, by wrong I mean different that expected, so we ate the dinner it was expensive but at the moment I did not care and as soon as we finish I said (in my head of course): A pleasure to meet you knowing that I'll never see again like this.
So I accompany his to his car, by some weird reason we end up in a park near my apartment I was cold as hell but by some reason I was not feeling that freezing maybe because of how nervous I was feeling, but a couple of seconds later he put his arms around my neck and that exactly the moment that I knew that maybe this ain't a thing of well it was a pleasure to meet you and I wish a happy life, bye. I was feeling different in a good way I opened up and told him a lot of my life and he told me about him so I said to myself this is weird, different but nice, I've been always scared of talking of my life because it's not that great, so I just heard him all night I was happy that he was feeling the same way that I was without saying it, and suddenly there was a moment of silence... we saw each other for a couple of seconds and then kissed, I felt like my heart was gonna explode and I wanted to cry because it was like a movie, after a dinner we went to a park and stayed there for hours talking and then kiss under that black night.
The night went on and somethings happened that brought to my head that thought of maybe this is going to be just a thing of one day, but i put it away because I was tired and happy, so we hug each other until we fell asleep, the next day came and I was happy that he was still there next to me and didn't run away during the night it was a new day and that meant work day so we went to our respective jobs, and holly molly you should seen my smile the hole day even if i was not gonna see him again.
But thank the gods that invited him out again and he accepted i felt liberating, I invited him over to see movies and we end it up singing in a concert, it was nice because i like a lot that type of music and also felt like we were a little bit more closer when introduced my to his best friends well we sang for hours that night I felt like I belonged somewhere, but that made me feel scare again that eventually I something that I'm gonna do will make him go away I still feel great with him, it has been a week since I know him and you all may think why do you feel like this in a week but I have no answer, but I'm gonna enjoy the ride while it lasts.
So maybe after all this time of falling in love with the incorrect guy it's time for my happy ending or is it not, well I will find out in time and about the first questions maybe I'll start to love myself as well at maybe just maybe that will change things. I know it's gonna be hard because we both work and he goes to the university as well and I'll going as well soon. maybe we won't be seen each other that much but I promise that this time I'll make it work and I won't run away and I hope that he will do the same, we'll see. we'll see...
