Opinions About Anything and Everything

I love my family. I really do. But I guess a side effect of being a teenager is not getting along with your family. So even if in moments of anger and desperation I swear to myself that I hate them, I can't help but feel guilty about it later. My family consists of my mother, my father and my younger brother. Not all of my family, of course, but the people I see almost every day of my life. Not getting along with siblings is really easy to understand; most of our conflicts are caused by jelousy, pride or anger. But I am still trying to understand what brought me to the moment when I looked in my mother eyes, the eyes of the person who brought me life, and just cursed her in my mind. 'Bitch.' Just one word. One word I will never forgive myself for saying.

But here I am, on the Internet, exposing my bare mind, full of frustration and questions and misery, along with all the problems that determined me to speak ( or write, more exactly.).

I don't think parents understand what being a teenager feels like. Really. I mean, they've been teenagers too, yeah, so? It's the worst part of your life. Not the best. I've met idiots who say this is the best part of your life, the easiest part of your life. If it is so, then I would kill myself right now, and I know I'm not alone. This is the worst part of our lives, when we take stupid decisions and make stupid stupid friends and everybody think we're stupid. To be honest, I would try to forget this part of my life as well if I was them....So of course they don't understand. Don't blame them. Or yourself. There is no one to blame.

One day, I was sitting in class in English Literature and we were discussing a text about teenagers and how adults perceive us, when my teacher said 'The only reason why I would go back to be your age would be if I knew the things I do know...So I can do things better than I did, of course.'. So I wonder, what is it left to discover so big and great and powerful that teenagers don't know? Is it not to care about what others think? Or is it different from person to person?

I try to understand my parents. And I actually do. But my teenager pride cannot accept that my mind agrees with these old, worn out people who have no idea about the modern world. So everytime they say my skirt is too short, I spend too much time on my laptop, I am too rude to them or I am too lazy, I refuse to think that way only because they said it. And it's sad. But they're my parents so I listen to them. Not when they tell me to, but after I can do it without looking like I listen to them.

There was a time when my worst nightmare was to become like my mother. A 40 year old woman who dedicated her life into raising her children and finding comfort and security for her family. I didn't want to become like her. And I still don't. The idea of having children still repulses me, but I'll let that for the next chapter. I didn't want to be like her because it's my job to dream of a better life ( I don't know what a better life is more me though). Nobody that I know dreams of being exactly like their parents, or doing the same things, at least, not for now...

But what I am trying to say is: I don't want to agree with them. I want them to fail at raising me, I want to be sad and depressed and make them think they failed at raising their child. I want them to feel guilty for my misery. I want them to be guilty of what I'm going through. I want someone to blame. But those people are not my parents. And even if I want them to fail, they don't. Even if I want to be mad at them for doing what they do, and even if I am mad at them, sometimes for reasons I can't even recall, they're not mad at me. Even if I want them to raise me the wrong way so I can always blame them, they don't. And they are excellent parents for doing this. They are the kind of parents that raise the best grown young adults. And because it's my job as a teenager, I am mad at them for being such good and perfect parents.