Thoughts.

white noise

The calm rush of water from the water fountain your neighbors have in their back yard
The barking of a nearby dog
The croaking of frogs and crickets
The laughing and talking from a happy couple across the road
The occasional chirp from a bird or croak from a frog
It's all just background noise to you. All you can hear is the pain on your chest and the roaring thoughts in your head.
As you sit on a roof, late at night, all alone with the only thing beside you being a gun. You think about your life.
You think about all the awful things people have done to you. All the awful things you've done to yourself. All the bad choices you made, all the wrong turns you took, all the bad people you talked to and all the  good people you ruined.
You think about how blissful it will be to feel the bullet go through your head and splatter your blood on the wall behind you.
And suddenly you're not so afraid of dying.
You feel like you deserve it. Like all the people you fucked over and all the bad choices you made led up to this moment.
You feel like all the things you've ever done add up to your suicide and make it okay.
So you pick up the gun, put it to your head
And you urge yourself to pull the trigger.
And suddenly all the white noise gets a lot louder. You hear the frogs, and the water, and wind rushing through the trees and sound of your heart beating.
You don't want to do this anymore. You don't want to end your life. But all the voices in your head and all the people you've ever talked to are all saying "pull the trigger"
So you do. And you instantly regret it.
Because in that last final moment of your life... she popped into your head. The image of her smiling at you after you told a really bad joke is the last thing you saw. You wish you could go back to that moment.

But you can't. You're dead.
And it's all your fault that her heart is gonna break when she hears that she wasn't enough to keep you alive.
But there's noting you can do about it.

You're dead.