My earliest memories are living with my mom and dad. Going to a daycare. I remember having a carefree life, somewhat... I remember being... Happy. We seemed like a perfect family. 'Seemed'. I remember going to sleep to my parents fighting a lot. I don't remember if I cried. I don't remember crying for anything besides getting hurt physically.
I remember having very 'high' self esteem back then. I thought the world revolved around me. At school. I don't remember everyone, but I remember having a lot of friends at daycare. There was Jacie, Morgan, Jonas. I had fun there. Until my parents got divorced.
I don't really remember what I was feeling... I don't remember what it was like moving. My dad says I was too young to understand since I was five. But I was still okay. I carried on with life. Sometimes I would see mom cry. I didn't know why back then, but I remember trying to comfort her. School was just fine for me. I was quick to make friends. Morgan from daycare also went to this school. This was my life for around three years I wanna say. There was this girl in first grade who came towards the end of the year. I remember just looking at her. Sitting in the middle of the floor. I remember her just smiling. She would frown for a second, but then smile again.
Third grade. My life took a turn of events. I was in the same class as this girl I became very close friends with her. I figured out her name was Emily. My teacher definitely wasn't the best one around. She would threaten us a lot, but I was fine. 'Till my mom started to date this guy. I don't remember meeting this guy for the first time, though, he does... I remember mom having calls with him for over an hour. I remember him bringing two dogs. I remember him moving in with us. He had already sold his place. There was no turning back...
This is also the year... Morgan changed his attitude around me. I didn't know why, but to me- a child -I had no idea why he did this. He started trying to bring my spirits down. He started to become my enemy. Morgan. My best friend from daycare. Hated me. So, I hated him.
Fourth grade was a bad year for me. This was the year my life went downhill
And it hasn't come back up...
This teacher was worse in a way. It wasn't like she hated all of us like the last one. She didn't like me. She started to point out strange things about me. "Rae, you hold a pencil weirdly." No one cares. Why she did that beats me. I started getting bullied this year. I remember getting called annoying. Which cut deep for me. I still does. I was talking to this girl- more like fighting really. She starts to walk away. "You're fucking annoying!" She says. I didn't understand why she would say that. I felt the world around me slow down as I look at my friends Mia (@MiaYbarra2) and Loren (elsyandrist) and start to break down.
In fifth grade those people pretty much stopped bullying me. But the bullying didn't stop. I really regret the way I treated Emily this year. I felt like I was bullying her. So I bullied myself for that. And never stopped. I started telling myself I was a horrible person. That I didn't deserve what I had. That I was a monster.
I went middle school with the same attitude. I didn't think I'd have any friends. This one girl is someone who invited me to sit with her and her friends at lunch. I was grateful she did this. Her name. Was Aubrey. She's sweet. A very nice girl. I really liked the people she sat with, Sofi, Mayah, Tae, Kitty, Sadie, Julien. I finally had something to look forward to everyday. Soon more people sat with us. Lola, and some other people I forgot... Sorry. So I saved these to for last because I love them a lot. (Okay, I love them all but) there's Monica. She is funny, laid back, and she really does care. If you met her... You'd understand. Then Chris. He's honest a lot, and has the CRAZIEST ideas! They are all so sweet. I don't know why they stick around me. I love them all so much. Yet I still doubt myself. I say I'm not worthy of them. They deserve better than me...
I shouldn't exist.
I should die.
I told myself every night I'm nothing but a disappointment. I get bad grades and let my parents down. I let my friends down. My parents divorced because of me.
And it stayed that way
I came home one day to find out that my mom had quit her job. Justin (the guy she's now engaged to) said it was my fault. The guilt poring down on me like it would never end.
But I kept going.
Every god damn day, I put on a smile despite the fact I was dying inside. Hoping for someone to save even though I rejected everyone.
I'm still like this to this day. As you are reading this. This is what's happening right now in my mind.
And I can't stop it.
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