drowning in an empty cup

my story

July, 2016. I wasn't happy.
     For years of my life, I was taught to treat everyone how you wanted to be treated. I was taught to be a good person. I was taught to be good to everyone, even if they aren't good to you. You don't know what they're going through; maybe you're the only good they've had in a long time.
     But...I wasn't really taught how to be good to myself.
     During summer, I was alone with my thoughts. I was reflecting on things.
     There was this...voice...telling me things. It told me that I was only kind so others would like me, and that everyone thought that about me. I believed every single person I cared about hated me. 

I want you to think about that. 

     I believed every friend, every family member, everyone who made me smile and laugh, everyone who made me happy, hated me. I believed they hated me from the very core of their soul.
     So when school started, I was desperate to fix that.
     I was more kind to others than I was to myself; I was a pushover, simply because I was scared to be assertive. What if I stood up for myself? Would they feel bad? Would they feel like me? That voice told me to "Be kind, be good, put them before you because this is all you're worth."

I let others define me.
I let others lie to me.
I let other mistreat me.
It wasn't good. 

     I don't know how the rest of this story happened, but it went something like this.
     During summer, and the beginning of the school year, I was alone with that voice. I was too unhappy to go out of my room, and I barely went out of the house in the first place. School wise, that voice drowned out the voices of everyone around me. I still heard what they said, but that voice was louder. I was submerged in this voice for months.
     But slowly, the voice grew quieter.
     I was able to hear what others were saying. I heard their funny jokes, their witty replies, their compliments, and that voice wasn't there. The voice must have blinded me too, because for the first time in months, I was able to see all the love that surrounded me.
     I stopped believing everyone hated me, because the proof was there; they cared about me. They gave me confidence and lifted me up without realizing it.

 And what did I learn?

Lesson One: Don't Drown Yourself in Your Own Thoughts
Lesson Two: Put Yourself Out There, Even if it's Scary

And finally, Lesson Three.

Ever heard the phase, "You can't pour from an empty cup?" I used to hate phrases like that. But...after nearly a year, I realize it's right. 

 Allow others to fill your cup, with love, friendship, care, etc. Then, once you feel like it's full, you can pour into other's cups.