it's not your fault mom

maybe it'll go away

I was 7 years old, good kid straight As, with no friends. I was always being put down by my classmates and I began to have thoughts no kid should have at this age. "What if I left? Would they still be mean to me?" I asked myself daily. I'd stare in the mirror and hate what stared back at me. I couldn't brush my teeth without having the urge to look away in disgust, because what stared back wasn't who I wanted to be. I stopped wearing my glasses and I'd fall behind in class and my work would be sloppy because i couldn't see. When I was asked where my glasses were I'd shrug and say I lost them or I forgot them at home. My mom would scream at me when my report cards came and I had fallen down a letter grade. I couldn't tell her what was going on, the way she was she'd call me an idiot and ground me for letting the other kids make me feel bad. What she doesn't understand is that they didn't make me feel bad, they made me hate myself with a passion. I despised everything I was and I didn't want to be me anymore.    One day we got a new kid in the class, she was pretty and cute. Everyone said hi to her and tried talking to her, except me. I thought wasn't worth her time, i wasn't worth a simple "hey randy". I started speaking less and less in class and my teacher began to notice. I got sent outside the class because John threw a paper at Mrs. Monique, and blamed me for it. I waited outside for a couple minutes when the door opened, I was expecting Mrs. Monique to be the one coming outside, but it was Sandra, the new girl, she sat next to me and she stayed quiet for a couple of seconds. "Hi randy" she said in a shy voice. "Hey Sandra" I replied awkwardly. "I saw John throw the paper, why didn't you say anything when he blamed you?" She asked with genuine concern on her face. "I really don't have much of a choice, it's either take the fall or get beat up. I'd rather be sent to the office and do my work there where no one can bother me." She looked at me and put her hand on mine, "I'm sorry, why don't you tell the teacher or the principal?" "Because no one believes me johns the star kid, the kid all the teachers want the other kids to be like, how am I supposed to compete against that?" She stayed quiet and stared at the wall. "Wait why are you out here?" I asked confused. "I threw the paper at her and she sent me outside" "what? Why would you do that?" "I wanted to talk to you" she said looking down at her shoes. I felt myself blush and my face got hot. She got herself in trouble just to talk to me. When Mrs. Monique came out and talked to us we just stayed quiet and nodded to everything she said. She gave us a warning and sent us back to our seats.
  The Rest of the day went by and I kept zoning out and getting distracted. The day ended and my mom picked me up at school and took me home without saying a word. Once I got in the house I went to my room and started doing my homework, I didn't have much of an appetite so I didn't eat that night. My mom was obviously surprised yet thankful her fat kid didn't want to eat. I did half of my homework and fell asleep for an hour or so, before I woke up from a nightmare. "What the hell was that?" I asked myself sweating and shivering. I tossed and turned for the rest of the night until my alarm went off. I went to school and when I walked in i saw John was in the office,"that's weird he's never in here." I said to myself. When I got to class Mrs. Monique called me up to her desks and asked me,"why didn't you tell me John threw the paper?" I looked at her wide eyed my mouth nearly fell from my face. "Who told you John threw it?" I asked my voice shaking. "Sandra told me yesterday before she went home. Why didn't you say anything?" I looked down at my feet and just shrugged. She sent me to my seat and I started to tear up, I knew this was going to come back and bite me.   A couple days later John came in, his eyes were red, it was obvious he'd been crying. "I'm sorry Mrs. Monique, I won't throw papers in the class again." "Go apologize to Randy as well" she said pointing at me, "he got in trouble for something you did, you blamed him for your wrong doing." She tilted her head signaling to him to come to come apologize to me, I knew this was going to end bad. He stood in front of me and he smirked,"I'm sorry Randy." He mouthed something to me before He walked away that I can only decipher as "you're dead".  It was lunch time and we were lined up at the restrooms to wash our hands, we went in two at a time and for some reason John decided he'd be behind me. Mrs. Monique sent John and me in to wash our hands, but I didn't make it to the sink. Before I could reach for the soap, he rushed me and began hitting me. He pushed me onto the ground and started kicking and stomping on my face and stomach. I didn't try to stop it, I just laid there covering my face as tears ran down the side of my face. When he was done he washed his hands and walked outside. I could hear Mrs. Monique ask him what was taking me so long and he simply replied "he's pooping.", The other kids laughed and ewed at his comment.   I got home and ran to my room and took a shower, I saw the bruising in my stomach and on my chest. I cried silently in the shower and waited until my mom fell asleep to cry into my pillow. "Why me? Why can't he leave me alone?" I asked through the tears. I didn't get much sleep that night either, well i hadn't slept well in a while, why would tonight be any different?  Saturday came around Sandra came to my house, we began talking more during school, and we played some video games and watched cartoons. I brought us some sodas and we began running around and she spilled her soda in the floor. I took off my shirt and started cleaning it up before my mom came in and got mad. She gasped and stared at me with eyes wide like saucers. "What happened to you?" She pointed at my faded bruises. "I fell off my bike" i responded quickly. "You're lying to me!" She exclaimed with tears in her eyes. "My brother has the same marks after my dad hits him." She struggled to say with her voice breaking. I cleaned up the rest of the spilled soda and went to get a clean shirt and put it on. "Look promise you won't say anything about what you saw today to anyone, no one!" I demanded trying not to make her cry more. She nodded and threw her arms around me. When her mom came to pick her up she hugged me goodbye and pecked my cheek. I smiled faintly and hugged her back before she left. Couple months went by and I really started liking Sandra, we'd hang out more and more. We'd go to the movies, the park and the local recreation center. One day we were hanging out and she seemed off, she wasn't talking or smiling like she used to. "Everything okay?" I asked putting my hand on hers. She pulled her hand away and didn't say anything. "Hey what's wrong seriously?" I pressed as her eyes filled with tears. She showed me her bruised arms, they looked like hand and finger marks. "What the hell? Who did that to you?" I asked. I felt my blood run cold when she told me her brother moved out and since then her father started hitting her. "Please don't tell anyone, i don't want to cause any more problems for my parents." She said sobbing into my shoulder. I just hugged her tight and didn't say anything. First I have John always hitting me and now I have my best friend being beat by her father! How the fuck is a 7 year old supposed to deal with that?   Days went by and I was at school, it was lunch time I didn't see Sandra anywhere and I sat at a table with my classmates. "Ew scoot over! Why are you here freak? Sit somewhere else!" I scooted over and from my other side I got screamed at as well. "Oh my God no go away! Fatass you're going to break the table!" My mind started racing, my lungs tightened and I began to cry. I crawled under the table and rocked back and forth, I looked around and saw my teachers and the other students laughing. The principal was called and she started laughing as she pulled me out from under the table. My mom wasn't happy she was called out of work because her son was horsing around at lunch. When we got home she laid some rice in the tile floor and made me kneel on it. She placed two water bottles on my hands and made me keep them up,and every time I put my arms down I'd get whipped 15 times. After about an hour of being whipped, she let me up and I went to my room and picked the race grains from my kneecaps. "How much more can I take? I don't want to be here anymore!" I said my face sticky and nasty from the dried tears and sweat. The next day it was time for recess and I saw Sandra, she wasn't smiling, she didn't smile anymore. I walked up to her and we talked and finally we smiled at each other, but not without bursting into tears. She told me she had a plan to get away from all of this and she whispered it in my ear. I gave her my house phone number and the bellrang for us to go to class. I spent the whole day thinking about what she said to me, and the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was right. School ended and we waved goodbye at each other. When I got home I wrote a note and waited till 8 ó clock came around. The phone rang and I picked up, it was sandra. "Are you ready?" She asked in a whisper. "Yea. Yea I am." I responded confidently. I put the note in my pocket and got in the chair in the middle of my room where my mom took off the last tenants punching bag. I heard rustling from the other side of the phone and she said "alright here we go" she said as I out the rope around my neck. "Hey um i just wanted to say you're the best friend anyone could ever have." I said weakly. "You're an amazing friend Randy....i love you" "I love you too Sandra" I responded and I heard the thud if the phone drop. I dropped my phone and felt the tears run down my face and I whispered. "I'm sorry momma....this isn't your fault." And kicked the chair from my feet and felt the rope tighten around my neck. Everything started to get blurry when my mom came in and screamed, I reached out for her but, it was no use the damage was done and my hand dropped and everything went black. Hours later after i was declared dead on arrival at the hospital, they found the note in my pocket and it read,"I'm sorry I couldn't be the best son mom. I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble and made you lose work. I'm sorry for not being happy and perfect. It's not your fault mom. I love you - randy"