Bullied / Phan

Chapter 5 (the end)

The white ceiling is the same as home. But nothing else is. Where am I? What happened?

I sit up in confusion. I have never even seen this place before? 

"Good morning" I look over at the door and Phil is staring back at me. 

"Why am I here?" My eyes wander between him and the window. No matter what I'm doing here I should probably leave as fast as possible. 

"Why don't you come down and get some breakfast and I'll tell you?" He's smiling at me as he says it. 

"No thanks I'm not really eating breakfast" My stomach immediately makes a sound and shows that I'm hungry. 

"Okay a little bit" I say and walk with Phil down. On the table there's standing two bowls and some cereal. 

"Cereal is basically the only breakfast we have" He smiles shortly at me as he pours a bit into my bowl, and then his own. I mostly just stare at the bowl instead of eating anything. 

"Now tell me what I'm doing here?" He looks worried for a second. 

"So basically, I saw you in the forest... ummm drunk... really drunk" He has trouble telling me and looks hopefully at me to see if I remember anything. But yesterday is still just one black hole in my memories. 

"You were about to jump of a bridge" He looks back at me. And now I remember. All of the pain, and then extreme embarrassment. 

"Why did you stop me?" Is the only thing I manage to ask without breaking down.

"Because... I'm in love with you" Now he's the one looking down. 

"You're in love? What a way to show it" The sadness get's replaced by anger. 

"It scared me, okay? Made me feel weak... I didn't like it... please forgive me" 

I can't believe what he's saying. 

"You've made my life a fucking hell. I was about to fucking kill myself because of you! And now you tell me that you're in love with me and want me to FORGIVE YOU!? YOU DON'T KNOW HOW BAD YOU'VE MADE ME FEEL AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO FORGIVE YOU? HONESTLY FUCK YOU." I'm standing up ready to leave, even though his eyes are begging me to stay. Those ocean blue eyes.

"Wait!" He grabs my wrist and it scares me. "I guess you want your book back" He leaves for a moment and comes back with a completely black and kinda damaged notebook. 

"Here. Now goodbye I guess" He looks at me for a second. Those fucking eyes. 

I turn around and leave without a word. 

*

The usual feeling of the notebook manage to comfort me. I read every single page, without any specific emotion. 

And then, I find an extra song. I have never written this. It's not even my handwriting. 

It's about me. About how he saw me... Phil wrote this. There's another page. About how guilty he felt every time he bullied me. The fear that his friends would find out. And something that must've been written tonight. About me trying to commit suicide. How he felt when he found me. And the last one is directly to me. How sorry he feels, how in love he is with me... everything. 

I don't know when I started crying but now the tears won't stop. 

His blue eyes. Blue as the sky, or the ocean. Oh I could stare at those all the time. 

Shit. I'm in love with Phil Lester. How can that happen? Stupid emotions. He has been nothing but mean to me from day one. I can't ever be with him. He doesn't deserve that. 

He can try to change but he won't ever be with me. No matter how much I love him. I won't forgive him.