Mono No Aware (物の哀れ)

悲しみ

lowercase intended, unedited so i'm really sorry for the grammatical errors and typos written in this chapter. -kat

sadness. kanamishi. 悲しみ.
Those were the words that would always fill camilia's head. After all, those words would always happen to her and nothing else. she would be happy for an hour, a week, a month, a minute or a day but the next thing you know it, it's gone. it's treacherous to find something that would make you happy forever, because according to her, it is unfeasible. she looked at the ice cream she bought a while ago, it'll melt soon she thought to herself. she wasn't like the other girls, camilia herself is messy, and she admits it. from eating spaghettis to eating an ice cream, messy. but at least she admits it. she wandered around at the park, as if like she was a little girl going to the park for the first time. smelling the fresh air, going on swings, and that's when a thought came to her, it is childish. she shrugged the thought off her head since that thought might ruin her day, her boyfriend broke up with her two months ago, actually no.

it was her who broke it off.

she rolled her eyes, trying to look as mean as possible so that she wouldn't cry. it's childish, for her anyway. she scanned the park while sitting on an old white seesaw, there she saw two children playing together, one boy and one girl.

"will you marry me, maria?" the little boy asked, his eyes sparkling with excitement. the little girl stuck her tongue out, "what is wrong with you? of course, not."

"but why?"

"we're only five."

"then, let's build a time machine."

"good idea, louis."

clarissa smiled as the two children build a some sort of time machine in the sandbox together, but it broke her heart when she realized that they might not be together. just like her and carter.
the two met inside the library, back when they were in sixth grade. clarissa was scanning for books that she haven't read yet—but mostly, she was scanning for books filled with poems—poetry.

while getting some books to read, and some books to borrow in case that she had no time to read them in the library, she bumped into a little kid with brown eyes, and a charming smile. he was asian, she could tell. by those chinky eyes, and he had no freckles. but she admired him. it was like love at first sight, but she didn't mind it.

"i'm so sorry!" the boy said,

she smiled in return and said, "it's okay."

she could hear him whisper, "great, good, okay, not okay, i hate you..i'm fine."

she laughed, "what is that for?"

and he panicked for a second, "you heard that?"

she hummed, "of course, i have ears."

"my mom said that there was a scale for girls to see if they're pissed or not."

"seriously? okay then."

"sorry for dropping your books."

"it's okay."

"so, why are you here when it is already dismissal?" the boy asked, running his fingers through his hair.

"my dad would pick me up today, and he doesn't mind."

"oh, that's good. i guess?"

"how about you?"

"i'm just walking around the school"

"isn't that against school policy?" she raised an eyebrow.

"nope, my dad said i can. also the principal let me, since i'm going to enroll here."

"w-wait, so you're a new student?"

he laughed, "yep."

"what's your name?" she asked.

"carter, i'm currently going to study in sixth grade. yours?"

"camilia, and same. and just for you to know, second day of school is tomorrow. so you're lucky."

"awesome, thanks. bye!"

"bye." she smiled, and that's how the story started.

camilia stared at the sky as her tears rolled down her cheeks, she couldn't help it, she misses him, badly. but it has been two months and she hasn't moved on from him. the memories of her past are haunting her. she should move on, just like he did.

she went back home, smiling. only to be greeted by her dog, ysa.

she looked at the time, it was five o' clock pm. she opened the television and went towards her kitchen to bake a cake, she loved baking so much. she remembered her mother telling her not to eat sweets too much, for she might get diabetes. but it has been two months since she baked a cake. and to her, this was the perfect time to bake another one. she brought out two eggs and placed it in a mixing bowl, then she did the next instructions, then the other, then the next one. for what seem like hours, she was done baking. and all that's left is to eat her cake. while eating, she checked her phone only to see the picture of her and carter, flashing on her screen. she couldn't change her wallpaper, even if she needed to. her friends told her to do so, but she wouldn't listen. instead, she would listen to her lying heart. that heart that would only make you fall into pieces. that heart that wanted to be broken. because if it didn't want to be broken in the first place, then why would it tell you to love someone that would just break your heart? camilia took a deep breath, and tried to find a new wallpaper. she took a photo of her dog, and changed her wallpaper. that way, she might be happy looking through her phone. she turned off her television, and hugged her dog. she once again, used her phone to play a song that might make her happy for once. she smiled at the playlist that she made that contained lots and lots of memories of carter. but she chose a song that she would soon regret,

chasing cars.

she didn't cry though, she didn't have any memory with him singing or listening to that song. but every lyrics of it, describes how she felt. because her relationship with him was like chasing a car, at first it seems fun but the longer you run chasing the car, the more that you would feel tired, and exhausted. but no matter how much you chase that car, you would never catch it.

that day ended with camilia falling asleep on the couch, hugging the stuffed toy carter gave her.

childish, i know.

but her heart can't let it go.