LIFE IN A SECOND

Chapter 1

''When you can tell your story &  it doesn't make you cry, that's when you know you have healed.''
  - unknown

         I wish my life could be the same as it was, before everything happened . I wish I could be as free as the birds. I wish, I wish, I wish.  So many wishes that I know won't even me come true no matter how hard I try or what I do.

I wake up to my Alarm beeping right next to my ear and my neighbor cutting his grass.
Many would say that you need to make the best put of everything but for me is not like that.
I get ready to go to my psychologist.
I hate been in the room every Monday of my life. She thinks she's helping me but I really don't need help I just need someone to understand me.
She starts off like always
'' Good morning Cardi'' with her big smile dazzling all over the room and the red lipstick that she don't like taking of her lips.
'' So how have you been since our last meeting?''
She knows what I'm going to say but it's her job so she needs to ask me even if it irritates me.
''So I spoke to the police officer that's in charge of your case. He said he's workin----''
I told her that yes  I know he's working hard on finding the men who did this to me. Always with the same bullshit.
'' I know it's hard Cardi but I know what your going thru but you gotta stay strong, don't give up. You have came a long way now, don't turn around.''
Every time I go into the room it just reminds me of a sail. I feel trap with no air. If it was for me I would had never came into any of these stupid meetings. They don't even help me, they just remind me of the night that I'm trying so hard to forget but I can't it's like it's stuck to my head like a gum to the bottom of a shoe.

I been loosing weight rapidly. Most of the time I just go to my room and stay there for hours crying thinking about the things I did wrong to deserve this and ask my self  why me? What wrong did I do to this world or the men, that he needed to fuck up my life so bad why?
I fall asleep crying. I wake up the next day on the floor of my bed. My eyes are all swollen from crying.
I get up take of my cloths and go directly to the bathroom. I look at my self in the mirror thinking about the things I should have done the night. I could had stayed home reading a book or watching Netflix but I didn't I decided to go. But I don't blame my self for the things I should had done because I didn't know that was going to happen to me. If I knew I would had giving away all the things I had to not let it happen. But what is done is done. I wish I could go back in time so bad. I wish I had a time machine. I would give all my best memories just to change the night, no matter how hard it hurts, because this pain I'm feeling can't be cured with a psychologist or with words, this can only be cured by going back in time and taking a different direction to walk or maybe staying home and not going out at all.
This pain I'm feeling hurts so much that I feel it in my chest begging to come out because it don't matter how much I cry, tears don't explain the pain.
The next day I get a call from Officer Fisher asking me if I can come in into the station that he needs me to see something. I told him sure that Im on my way.
When in walking in to the station I see the same pictured of murder and raped victims hanged in the wall unsolved. I just think about all those families that are still waiting for the police to catch the criminal that raped all those girls. I can only imagine the pain they going thru, because everyone says they understand what you going thru but they don't. If anything that ever happened to you didn't happened to them they understand because they can see you upset but they can't feel the pain inside of you that don't let you breathe because of how painful it is.

I walk down the hall and see Officer Fisher. He says
'' I know you couldn't see your offender but we have some faces that I would like for you to see''
I dont know if he's stupid or if he just wants me to blame someone already so he can mark my case as solve and be done with it already. I told him I didn't see the offender face it was dark I couldn't see nothing.
I leave the station like always with no name or with any clue.