Punk Direction (niall Horan Love Story)

-Chapter 38:

When I woke up, he was still asleep, me still cringed in his arms, so tight not even a paper would fit between us. My eyes were puffy and red. I woke up in the middle of the night, after he came here and we fell asleep.

I watched him for what felt like an hour. I love him. And I love him so much it’s not healthy. This addiction, this dependency, this subjection and power he has over me… besides not being fair, it’s not healthy. It’s not healthy that I want to be with him 24/7, it’s not healthy that all my commitments, tasks and arrons turn to a second plan when he’s here. But the worst part is how he’s capable of hurting me when he feels like it.

He said he wasn’t in control when he called me a slut, it scares me what he can do when he gets that angry again. How far can his angriness go? How far can his actions go? How far can he go without hurting me… physically I mean! I believe Niall would never be capable of hurting me, never ever. I believe in that, or I believed in that. Now that I know about his… condition I allowed myself a small brief space for a small doubt.

That was the question that swirled around my head the longest. I’m not scared of him, I’m not! But when he blacks out, Niall’s not Niall. Not the Niall I love anyways. I love the Niall I am and will entirely give myself to. That’s the one I want, not the one with so much hatred in his eyes when we were in the club, when he was dancing with that girl.

I don’t think I can handle that ever again. That’s why I won’t push his buttons this much. I never saw him that angry, that hurt… And I never what to see him like that again. I want him to be happy, and smiling and laughing. That adorable laugh I came to love so much. I want him to be happy, no matter where he is, or doing whatever it is. I want his happiness above anything I could wish for myself.

And for as long as his happiness is with me, I’ll give that to him. Fully, and completely. No matter how many issues he has, no matter how many obstacles we have to overcome, no matter how many ups and downs our relationship might have… I want him to be with me. I want him to be happy!

Is that love?

Smiling to myself like a dork, I raised one of my hands, running it over his cheek, the one that was turned up. My thumb made movements of up and down, slowly while I took in his beautiful features. He talked during his sleep, and a lot, that is why he doesn’t has his lips completely closed. Today it was just mumbles, things I couldn’t even understand sometimes, but he moved a lot, and his hairs were pointing everywhere thanks to that. Thanks to his closed eyes, I felt cold, the need to have those blue orbs on mine was so urgent that left me speechless, and his lips… How every breath that came out slightly brushed against my cheek, giving me a small chill every time it happened. Every movement of his chest was reflected on the sheets as they dragged around his body. His chest raised and dropped as his breaths seemed to get more and more quick and heavy.

Furrowing my eyebrows, I swooped closer and palmed his chest, right over where his heart should be. It was beating pretty fast, and the idea of him bawling out James name made my heart beat in the same way as his did.

I felt panic crawling over my throat, feeling agonized ad terrified. I don’t like the way he screams in his sleep. It’s so … so heartbreaking, so intense and full of pain. It’s like a request for help, like he said he did when James died in front of him. I was afraid to hear him again, because that shatters my heart in so many ways it even pains me to think about it.

I was afraid I was losing my effect on him. He told me he didn’t dream about James when he was with me. What if he was losing his feeling for me… that would cause the effect to fade wouldn’t it?! The thought of it made me cringe along with my heart who was beating fast thanks to my thoughts and Niall’s state.