FINGERTIPS ║ Larry Stylinson

18 ║ Do Not Drown

August 3rd

Louis had turned off his phone for a couple of days, he was tired of listening to his phone ringing over and over again. His heart would get tighter and painful under his ribs each time he would read Harry's name on the screen. Guilt was running down his veins, he was a bad person, in every sense of the word. He knew it. He hadn't taken a shower for two days, he hadn't really left his room either. His family was worried, every two hours or so he would hear some knocks on the door. "Are you okay?" "Are your hungry?" "Harry called again." "Zayn wonders why he hadn't heard of you." "Don't you wanna talk?" "What happened?". He would barely answer them, demanding for them to leave him alone. Louis needed to be alone, or at least that's what the aching feeling at the bottom of his stomach was screaming to him. He needed space. He needed silence so he could only listen to the darkest thoughts flying around in the room, so loud it seemed like they would make him deaf. He slept, a lot, he spent most of the time sleeping. It was the only way he could stay away from the pain and the guilt. All of those unknown voices yelling at him, pointing out every singles flaws. He was made of flaws. He wanted to silence them forever, he wanted silence and calm to surround him rather than the screams of reproach and insults. It was exhausting. He was lying down on a really comfortable bed under a protective roof, he was surrounded by a loving family and he had amazing friends, but he was exhausted of life. He hated himself for that. He hated how terrible he felt, how much pain was amassed in his body and how he couldn't change how he felt. He tried, he tried so many times to convince himself to be happy, to live life to the fullest. Everything was in place to make his life beautiful. He was loved by many people and was lucky enough to live in a house, needless to say it was a big comfortable beautiful house so many people wished they could live in. He had his own car, he was able to work or go to school, he had food in the fridge and a roof over his head, protecting him from the rain and snow and the cold of the night. His family was happy together. And even though everyone would gladly take his life and live a life full of privilege, Louis couldn't bring himself to enjoy. He didn't really know where all of this were coming from, why he wasn't able to enjoy all the things he was lucky enough to have in a society full of burdens and obstacles. In a world where some people were struggling to find food and clear water, struggling to keep on living through wars and wounds, giving all their strength to annihilate the disease that was killing them. He was born in a privileged world, but he was drowning. He was supposed to be happy, but he was dying. He was tired. Tired of breathing and living, tired of being always tired. But most of all, he was tired of himself, the person he was. He didn't want to see this body every morning, he didn't want to wake up and face his reflection, his life. He knew how beautiful his life was, but his brain was making everything so much darker. There weren't any more blue sky over his head, he couldn't hear the birds sing. His sky was grey, dark and scary, ready for a violent destructive storm to drag him down and give up on him, just here, dying on the soaked ground. Everything was about to disappear and he didn't want to witness the tragedy. He didn't want to wake up and have to say goodbye to Harry. Harry was holding onto him but he didn't know anything about him, it was too much, too hurtful for both of them, too stupid and ridiculous to go on. Louis couldn't see the reasons, he couldn't understand why he was having any interests in someone like himself, he was uninteresting. One day Harry would wake up and understand how stupid he had been for being attracted to someone like him, he would realise the mistakes he had done and would leave him. That was what would probably happen to everyone around him. He wasn't a good person. He wasn't made to be loved.
There was a knock on the door and that made Louis flinch a bit before he tightened the covers around his shivering body. He was cold.

"Louis..." he heard Zayn sigh behind the door.

He wanted to ask why he was there. He specified to his mother he didn't want to see anyone, she should have left him outside. It was Zayn. Johannah had never been a big fan of him, the tattoos and his dark hair falling messily around, she always thought he was into drugs, some bad guy doing bad things with other bad people. He was pretty much the contrary honestly, he ended up top of the year and got his diploma with honours and maybe he hadn't started college like Louis did, but he had found a job, then added another one. He was working so hard to live by himself, he wanted to thank his parents for everything they had done for him, how happy they made him and how they had taken care of him and his sisters no matter if they had to forget themselves. And for about one year now, he was working hard enough, he was living in a large flat with his sister and one of his co-worker. He had enough money to send gifts to his family in Bradford. He had lived a long time with Liam so he could go to this high school he had dreamed of and his parents didn't complain and paid the rent he needed to give Liam, which was basically half the rent. He had met Perrie and that lasted a long time before it started feeling wrong, when he decided to break up, it all exploded in his face. People was looking at him like he was a monster, was judging him, spreading awful rumours, he had felt pretty sick for several weeks before he decided not to let them hurt him. He wasn't angry with her, it wasn't her fault, her friends thought it was a good idea to avenge her and even though she made it clear she didn't want this to happen, it still happen. Those friends were gone now, when she started college, he heard she got new friends and even saw some of them with her when they went to the shop he worked at. Jesy was her name if he remembered well.