walking backwards (sequel to THE GIRL)

THREE: WISH U THE BEST

"Lately I've been feeling so dead in my own skin and it's a problem, I admit. When I look in the mirror, that ain't me, that's someone different..."

SONG: WISH U THE BEST
ARTIST: BLACKBEAR

"So," Cole stepped beside me to look at the snow falling. Or maybe it was just to spark up conversation. "I wanted to clear the air."

I raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know there was any air to clear between us."

"Of course there is. I'm dating your ex-wife," Cole singed that into my side, making me feel worse than I already was. "I don't want you to think she left you for me."

"I've had this speech from Brianna already, Cole. I don't need it from you," I muttered through my teeth, tightening my fist in the process. I didn't want his shitty excuses for seducing my wife while I was away.

She hadn't cheated on me, but not wanting to cheat on me resulted in my divorce.

"It's the truth," He muttered and refused to look at me. He refused to look at me.

As if I were the one who caused all of this. As if I were the one Brianna had been laughing with while he was away. As if he whispered promises in her ear while I stood in the middle of Kansas trying to call her to let her know I was coming home. He treated me like the outsider instead of her husband. He made me feel, for a moment that I had no business here despite that everyone in this apartment, was a larger part of life and me.

"I don't care if it's the truth," I practically seethed. I didn't like him. I would never like him. I didn't have to like him. There was no sake of it for me to do so. Mia didn't like calling him dad.m, and Elle would rather be spending her time away from him because this wasn't home.

"I do, Luke. I love her," the words made me want to throw him into the balcony. He loves her. As if he knows how dire that phrase is. As if he knows the consequences that will follow. I swallowed. "The moment I met her I knew I was in love."

I snorted. "No you didn't. No one falls in love with her by just looking at her. She's not the 'love at first sight' kind of girl."

Cole pressed his lips together.

"She never was. It took us months to try and get there and you already feel it after so little time?" I was mocking him now. He was going to feel the effect of every word I was speaking to him. "She will never be that girl because loving Brianna takes work. It takes two people who are so broken beyond belief to understand that love is a healing process and there is nothing to heal here."

And that's when it got me. Brianna had given me every chance to try and get her back. To remind her why we had fallen in love in the first place. She wanted me to put the pieces back together to mend our terrible love story and make it worthwhile because she had forgotten. I hadn't made her feel special in so long and here was this guy who gave her his time of day in a way I hadn't in almost a year.

"She's not that person you fell in love with ten years ago, Luke," Cole whispered and looked at me like a wounded animal. "She's different. We both know it."

Of course I know she's different. You grow with someone like her. You don't just stay in standstill, holding onto the kind of love that you discovered when you first start dating. That kind of love grows with you and matures along with the two of you.

"Yeah," I muttered and licked my lips. "You're right."

_____________________________

It felt unnatural to be waking up alone. Usually there was Bean's big ass body on one side and Lefty snoring on the other. Today, neither of my dogs were with me, but I did hear Mia singing softly. She had acquired the habit after hearing me for the first time on tour. I exhaled softly and closed my eyes. Around the chorus of the song, Brianna would roll over and start singing along softly, waking me up and making me smile. My bottom lip quivered and then there was the shaking in my hands.