Monster Talk

"When did you stop hearing them?" Carol asked. She lay with one arm thrown over Daryl's bare chest while he contemplated the bottom of the upper bunk.

Daryl shrugged. Outside the cell, the other residents of cellblock C made soft nighttime sounds that were overcome by the moans and growls which filtered through the open windows.

"It's not that I don't hear them. I just don't care unless there's one in front of me."

Carol sighed and ran her hand over Daryl's chest. "I wish I could disconnect like that," she said. "It feels like all I do is think about them. Times like this are about the only moments when I can block them out...until I can't."

Daryl lightly traced the line of Carol's spine, smiling when she trembled.

"Do you need help forgetting again?" he asked. He lay his leg over hers and kissed the top of her head.

"You have to be on guard duty in ten minutes," Carol said, stretching and pressing her body along the length of his.

"Sure, get close like that and then shove me out of bed." Daryl sat up on the edge of the bunk and reached for his clothes.

Carol knelt behind him and wrapped her arms around him. Daryl sighed and leaned back. A soft moan escaped him as Carol kissed his neck while tracing her nails over his abs and chest.

"Woman, you're evil," he growled.

"Because I want a few more moments of human contact?"

"Because you want me to spend the watch thinking of you instead of what might be out there." Daryl rose and pulled his jeans up.

"Isn't it better that way?" Carol asked. "To think about us, about humans rather than walkers?"

Daryl shoved his feet into his boots and then straightened before pulling his shirt and vest on.

"I can't have that kind of distraction while I'm out there," he said. "Of course I'd rather think of you, of us, but hell, you don't even want anyone to know about us. How can you expect me to keep you on my mind when I'm not allowed to even talk about us?"

"I didn't realize...."

"That I might want more than a quick fuck from you?" Daryl shook his head. "I refuse to believe you're that dense, Carol. Did it ever occur to you that maybe the time we spend together is my ward for the monsters? I bet it didn't because what you want is someone to make the monsters go away and I got picked. The problem is, I can't make the monsters go away if I'm distracted while I'm fighting them."

"What if I'm one of the monsters?" Carol asked. "I've done things since...things I never believed I'd do. Things that make me scream in my sleep."

"So now I'm supposed to protect you from yourself?" Daryl set the toe of his boot under his crossbow and lifted it up, rocketing the weapon into his hands. "Shit, Carol, I can barely take care of myself and suddenly I'm the damn white knight in this place. You think you're one of the monsters? Well, I know I am. I know that right this minute if I thought one of the people in this block meant to harm us, even you, I'd take their life. I know that, Carol, and you want me to protect you from the monsters? How can I protect you from myself when I need whatever it is we're doing to remember what it's like to be human? I can't protect you from the monsters if I am one and I am one, Carol. Worse than any of those things out there that smell us and want our flesh, because I can decide to be human or to be monster and I've chosen monster. I've chosen to let go of human emotions because they don't serve any purpose in this world. I can't love because if I do, the next time I blink that love can be taken away. I can't hope because what is there to hope for when you're surrounded by death?"

Carol cringed away from Daryl as he squatted down in front of her bunk. "You want me to change?" she whispered.

"No, I want you to embrace the monsters inside rather than expect me to protect you from them."

"What if I don't want to be a monster?"

"Then don't be one, damn it." Daryl stood and slung his crossbow over his shoulder. "Make the same choice I made or make your own, but I won't tell you which is right because I won't be blamed for your decision later when you find you've chosen wrong."

"You're not a monster," Carol said, straightening up in her bunk. "You're better than the rest of us in so many ways. You're a better man than I deserve. I know that for certain, Daryl."

"You keep believing that, Carol, if it lets you sleep at night. I know who I am and I try not to lie to myself." Daryl glanced at the watch on Carol's bedside stand. "I'm gonna be late."

Carol nodded. "Be safe."

"No such thing."