When someone falls in love, falls so hard that their entire existence is based on that person, the heartbreak effects are earth shattering. I was in love once. Not your usual kind of puppy love, but a love that exceeded all boundaries thought possible. That person owned my heart and soul, and he did not even know it.
Two summers ago, I met him. We had first met each other through a mutual friend and from that moment on, our simple acquaintance blossomed into a wonderful friendship. When I first looked at him, I was at once intrigued by this man. He did not have the best features or body, but his eyes cried out for my attention. They were full of emotions which I could not decipher and I was hooked. Whenever I would look in his eyes, I was reeled in and with great difficulty I would peel my eyes away from his. Where I was usually quite confident, around him I would become a jumbled up mess of nerves. At first, we would exchange a couple of words here and there, but soon after a couple of chance meetings we exchanged numbers and from that moment on, my world revolved around him. Where we would have minimal conversations, we started talking to each other for endless and continuous hours and not once did we manage to run out of anything to say.
We had no boundaries. He knew me, inside and out. And I knew him. There were no secrets, nothing between us. I trusted him with my life and I was honored that he trusted me with his. Our conversations were sometimes so silly that the next day I would wonder around with a stupid smile on my face and I could barely wait to get home and talk to him. We used to have nicknames for each other, create scenarios where we could escape our shitty lives and pretend we lived in a perfect world, just for us. I had bared my soul for this man and despite any warnings bells ringing in my head; I knew that he would never betray me. In the end, I betrayed myself..
Little by little, I began to fall in love and I had not even realized it yet.
He was my escape from my reality. He was my addiction and he was my savior. I knew that without him, I would have long succumbed to the darkness inside.
My family was not a normal one, heck that was an understatement. It was my family that was tearing me apart. Bit by bit, piece by piece, they would break me further and each time I thought that I could not be broken anymore, they would prove me wrong. He was the only one who knew of my troubles, of the hell where I was living. And of that I was glad. He was my ray of light in my dark existence.
It was after one of our daily conversations during which I told him about the new shit my family had done. I cried, I had bawled my eyes out and not once did he complain. He listened and after I was done, he told me the exact words I needed to hear. He comforted me and made me feel happy. I know that it sounds cliché, but it was the truth. When I turned off my mobile, it came to me like a tidal wave smashing forcefully against a cliff. I was in love with him. I did not know how or when, but I knew that without any doubt, I was in love. And it scared me because I knew that he would never feel the same way.
In the following days I would try to deny it, to convince myself that it was not love, just a simple crush that would soon go away. Yet deep down i knew that it was not a simple crush. I warned myself that I would only end up with a broken heart, with more misery and pain so I tried my hardest to guard my heart. To stop these feelings from developing further, I erected walls around my heart in hopes that I could protect my heart from the suffering I knew was to come. However it took just a small conversation with him to knock down these multiple walls and I was left unprotected against my love for him.
One day during our Skype session, out of the blue he asked me one simple question, "Are you in love with me?" In a split second I froze. Muted with panic and fear, I did not know what to do and I unconsciously said yes. I knew that I should have denied it or asked where he had received such a preposterous thought but I went with my first instinct and that was to say yes. I waited to see the outcome of my confession, scared that this would be the end of our friendship yet nothing happened. He gave me a small smile and we resumed our conversation as if the most nerve-wracking, scary incident in my entire life had not just occurred. From that moment on we continued our conversations normally and all was peaceful between us till that fateful day.
It is in my nature to screw everything up. I do one silly thing and everything comes crashing down around me. Everything that goes wrong in my life is my fault. There is no need to deny it, it is always my fault. I am like Midas, but instead of everything I touch turning into gold, it crumbles up and dies. This is what I did to us. I destroyed us. I pushed us far the breaking point and I knew that this was the end, there was no coming back from this. I had not thought that my life could get any worse or depressing but one simple thing made my life plunge down into the depths of darkness from where there was no rescuing.
It was one simple argument which could have ended with a few words and we would have forgotten all about it. But that was not the outcome. The disastrous outcome was the ending of our friendship. In one argument I lost the one who fully understood me. He knew me; it took only one look at me for him to understand everything I was unable to say. And I lost it, it was my fault.
You know the saying, "making a mountain out of a mole hill", well in my case I created a freakin' planet. In the following days after our argument, he would try to contact me and try to pick up the pieces of our broken friendship. It could have been mended and this would have just been a hiccup in our relationship, yet my messed up mind refused to do anything with him. I could have accepted his help and resumed our friendship but I only stomped all over the pieces. And when I finally realized what I had done, it was too late. I knew it, he knew it, and there was no going back. There was yelling, people taking sides, pleading and tears falling, but there was nothing that could be done to salvage our relationship. What was done was done, and I had messed everything up. I created discord between our friends, I was the cause of both our misery and in the end, I was left with nothing but a damaged heart and a hollow body. I was broken beyond repair.
