In The Name Of Love / G.D. - E.D. {Sequel of 'Touch It'}

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"This one's for myself." I placed the razor on my wrist and wanted to distract myself from the pain that I was about to feel. I started thinking about Grayson, I'd miss him. I loved him and I knew he loved me, but I didn't deserve him. He deserved better. The razor had already made a little cut in my skin, I had been pressing too hard on it as I thought of Grayson. I pulled it a little up and started feeling the pain going through my arm. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I tried as hard as I wanted, but all I did was gasping for air. Out of pain I dropped the razor, which was half way my arm. "Bebe, open the door." I heard Grayson saying as he tried to open the bathroom door. He was slamming on it, but still tried to be quiet. He had read the letter, I thought. "I'm so sorry, Gray." I said and started feeling dizzy. I was losing too much blood to stay focused. "Just open the goddamn door." He said. His knoking became harder. "I ca.."

I woke up from a high noise that felt far away, but was actually really close. I opened my eyes, but closed them immediately because the lighting in the room was too bright. "Bebe." Someone sobbed. I remembered the voice, but couldn't place it in my head. I tried to open my eyes again, which worked out. I couldn't see much, because my eyes were getting used to the lighting. I felt someone grabbing my hand and holding it tight. It didn't matter, I couldn't move it anyway. I was too weak to. As my eyes were used to the light I looked around. I saw Grayson was the one holding my hand. A tear streamed down his face. I tried to remind myself of what had happened, but only blurry memories popped up in my head. "Hey.." I said quiet. I wanted to sit, so I could hug Grayson but my head hurt too much.

"I'm so sorry, Grayson." Was the first thing I said after a moment of silence. I had realized what I had done, or well what I had tried to do. "Don't be sorry." He said, "It wasn't your fault. I've read your letter and all those things that people did to you, were the reason why you did it. You were pushed over a sort of line." I just sighed and looked away. I never planned on living after my suicide attempt, because all I felt now was shame and maybe people would even call me an attention seeker. But I wasn't an attention seeker, if I was that I would've told everyone and I would have never attempted it.

I looked at my arm, it was full of stitches. I wondered how I could've survived. "Well that will be an ugly scar." I chuckled, trying to cheer Grayson up. "We can use make up to hide it." He suggested. That was actually a great idea, but I could also just learn to live with it. It was part of who I was.

A couple minutes later the doctor walked into my room. He greeted us and gave both of us a hand. "Bebe, I'm glad you survived." Was the first thing he said. Like he'd actually care. "But I have something to tell you that might be even make this all worse." Oh well, there we go. I was being sarcastic in my head, because I didn't believe in all those doctors caring about their patients. They only cared about how many lives they'd save, the more, the better. They'd just feel better about themselves, but I could be wrong. I wasn't a doctor and it was just my opinion.

The doctor took a seat next to Grayson. "I'm sorry I have to tell you this, but your baby didn't make it. You lost too much blood and we were only able to save you." At that moment I realized I had been pregnant by Ethan's baby. Call me a bad mom, but my memory was still trying to remember everything that had happened. "Oh.." I said. I didn't know how to react. I was sad about the fact that I had killed my own child, but maybe it was for the best. I wouldn't have been able to raise it by myself, not even with Grayson by my side. We both would still have school and I wouldn't want the baby to live a life thinking Grayson is its father. I wouldn't want Ethan to help me, so yeah.. Maybe it was just all for the best.. The doctor told us, thinking Grayson was the dad, how they were going to remove the little embryo from my body. They actually were gonna use a little vacuum. "Is there any chance I can have it? I want to burry it somewhere." I asked, kinda ashamed because it was a weird question. "Of course you can, but it's very small so we'll wrap it for you first." I didn't know what size I had to expect, all I knew was that I was going to burry a part of me that I never wanted to be part of me again. Of course the little embryo wasn't bad, I bet it would've raised up to a beautiful person. But just the way it had been 'created' kept on hurting me.

A couple days later I was allowed to go home. Grayson and I had spoken about what we were gonna do, we had told his family I had fallen at night, I had cut my wrist open on the heater and had a little concussion from falling on the bathtub. Surprisingly they believed it and had never found the letter. No one, besides Grayson and I, knew it was a suicide attempt. No one had to know, because it'd only make things even worse. "Come we'll get a wheelchair to the car." Grayson said. I chuckled, because I knew he'd push me too hard and that'd scare me. I eventually agreed and moments later I was in the wheelchair with my bag and big ass teddy bear Grayson had gotten me. "Got everything?" Grayson wondered as I sat in the wheelchair. I looked around and saw the room was empty. "Yep." I said. He turned me around and already bumped up to the door. "Grayson." I laughed. "Oops." He said. I opened the door and he pushed me through it. He checked if there were no nurses near and started running to the elevator. "Oh my God Grayson." I screamed, holding the wheelchair tight. The floor was slippery and I was scared he'd fall and take me with him. But he didn't. 'Safely' he brought me to the elevator and pressed on the button to go downstairs to the parking lot. "Told ya girl." He said girly. "You're crazy." I said. "Crazy in love with you." I gave him a kiss, it was the first kiss since I had woken up from my little coma. I had missed his lips. They were soft and could make you forget about all the bad things happening in your life.

As we were in the car on our way home, I remembered we had to burry the embryo. "Are you sure you want to do that with me?" "Yes, I want you to be there. Without you I'd have never lived." I said and held his hand. He just nodded, probably not knowing what to say. We went up to the hills, to the place where it happened. I didn't know how I was going to control all of my emotions as we would be there, but maybe it was good to cry. Sometimes crying everything out and just letting it all go, was better than little steps and hiding it all. 

As we arrived at the top of the hill, it all replayed in my head. I could see Ethan driving up to the hill and I was crying out for help I was never going to get. I got out of the car and so did Grayson. I had been carrying the embryo on my lap the whole time, it was strange to hold a part of myself like that. Grayson walked up to me and wrapped his arm around my waist. I needed that, because I was too weak to stand on my own. My knees were shaking and all I wanted was to drop it all, sit on the ground and cry it all out. But that would have made Ethan win. I went to the rock where I had laid as Ethan raped me. I could still see a little scratch I had made with my fingernails in the rock. I sat on it and pulled my legs together. I was still carrying the embryo with me, it was weightless but had a history heavier than a whale. Grayson was making a hole in the ground next to the rock. "Are you sure?" He asked me as he got up. "Yes." I said confident. I got up and put the little box in it. I saw there were some flowers on my left, so I plucked some and put them on the little box. A little tear streamed down my face, but that was good. I was leaving this chapter of life behind.