I have lived my whole life with depression, all sixteen years, for most of that time I had no idea why I was feeling the things I was feeling. During some of that time, I didn't feel anything, I couldn't remember what happy felt like, or what sadness was, or even how anger felt, I felt numb. I was floating in an expanse of nothingness, my arms, my legs, my mind, just going through the normal motions. But then there were times when I could feel and I would rather have numbness over the feelings most of the time. The feelings were rarely positive. There was anger, I would be angry at the world "why me, what did I do to deserve this!", "Who decided this!", anything would set me off but most of the time this fighting was eternal. I would also get angry at myself, "Why am I so weak" "Why even try, I can never do that" failure was a song I sang frequently and anger was the beat. Now I wasn't always angry, there was also sadness, my sweet friend who kept me company during the night. Some nights I would cry myself to sleep, a new melody lulling me into slumber "why am I never good enough" "why can't I be someone's first choice" "what is so wrong with me". Sadness and Anger, two recurring emotions that I could not control, but then there was happy. Happy was the dancing in the rain, the laughs with friends, and the taste of fresh french fries. Happy came hand in hand with Confidence when introvert would make way for extrovert and we could dance the night way, tell everyone how nice they look, and accept compliments in return. Happy and Confidence, the friend who built me up instead of tearing me down, who told me I was good enough, who told me that I could do anything I set my mind to, who told me I was gorgeous and gave me the love I need to keep on. Happy and Confidence.My best friend in the world.
She is the most beautiful human on the earth, she is the sun and all the stars. She is the light that showed me the way to happy. I don't think I would have made it this far without her. So thank you, my love, for all that you have done for me without even knowing.
I have not yet vanquished all my demons, they are still ever-present, but I am stronger now. The voices are never going to leave me, I will always have times of weakness, but I know that I will prevail and make my mark. Just give me time.
via- 2016
