Rants - self harm and depression

Cutting

I have cut myself. I have friends that have cut themselves. I have stopped cutting. I never cut much - and I was also scared to. I did thin lines so that they would heal quickly and my parents or classmates wouldn't know. I never did many - probably less than 10. I overthink almost everything, and will spend hours debating one small thing, and I will miss opportunities because of this. I knew that if I killed myself that people that cared about me would be very put down and they would wonder if they did something wrong. I love my friends so fucking much. Have I wanted to die? Yes. Have I wanted to kill myself? Yes. Have I had the pills in my hand and water in the other? Yes. I've prayed, I've had breakdowns etc. I don't even know anymore if I believe in a god. If there is one, great. I do know one thing that though, if there is a hell, I'm already in line. Do I want to be eternally damned? Not really. Do I want people I'm friends with or that know me to read this? No way in hell. Writing this I think might help me to cope, and maybe someone will use this to help them stay alive. I might update - I probably will, but if I don't soon, just please, stay alive. ❤