Bulletproof Heart

1.

"And though, I know how much you hate this, are you gonna be the one to save us? From the black and hopeless feeling? Will you meet 'em when the end comes reeling?" The lines ring in my ears as I think about them. Echoed by my friend Abby, they make me feel hopeless.
Funny. How can I save anyone else when I can't even save myself?

I keep walking down the hall, staring at everyone. None of them could ever know what's inside. Not that I would ever tell them any way. I want to cry, but I keep moving. I want to pour it all put on someone, but they'd say I'm faking it. True friends wouldn't do that. But then... I guess that means... I don't have any. No, shut up. Don't think that way. You have good friends...
Do I?
Stop thinking about this. If you start, you can't stop. Just try to make it through the day, Taryn.

I make it to my next class and sit down in a corner.
Biology. With my ex. To be honest, I wanted to slit his throat, or ruin his life at least. Funny thing was, I was the one to break it up.
It seemed to me that he'd had a rough time fitting in with the high school vibe. It seemed like he had lost all his friends from last year, and was trying to start over, but he could only befriend the people who weren't in his grade. I must say, I made it that way, spreading true stories of my interactions with him, and severing his ties in various ways. I actually quite liked it.
Over the later part of the summer, he changed. He got a bit... odd towards me. He did admit to liking me, and said he loved me. That same day he cussed me out, saying he hated me. I didn't want anything to do with him after that.
The first day of school, he said, "The way I see it, we can either be friends or enemies." I begged apathy, and so I assumed that he took it to mean that we were through with being friends. He had thought that I had gotten more cruel to him since my last breakup (not with him). Hmm. I had never noticed it.
I never spoke to him unless circumstances demanded.

One day I caught him talking to a bookshelf, and the next day he said he didn't have anyone to talk to when times got rough. That made me feel kinda bad, but not bad enough to talk to him.

I slumped down in my seat and played my music. Yesss. Save Yourself, I'll Hold them Back came on. My foot tapped to the beat, and a kid stared at me with discomfort at my compulsive tapping. I started tapping harder. They looked away, and I smirked. DESTROYA came on. I fought the urge to sing (it for the boys, sing it for the girls) and so I hummed little bits of it. I actually felt better now. I looked up at my binder, not surprised to see it empty, and started drawing.
Suddenly, my music stopped. I panicked. I got flustered, and jerked my phone up to my face to resume the music. It-- it... phew. I sighed as it resumed.
No one but me could pause my music without me freaking out.
That's how important music is to me.

The bell rang shortly after, and I got up. My ex stared at me, and left. Geez, what even? I left the class feeling a bit off frkm the non-encounter and walked to lunch.

I sat down at the end of a mostly empty table right as some other kids started leaving. I saw Thalia and waved to her. I moved my stuff and she sat next to me.
"Hey, cutie," she said, grinning.
"What's up?" I asked. Thalia was my sister, and one of my best friends. She was always really friendly when she was around me, unless I did something stupid.
She called all my other friends emo (which, wasn't wrong) but still could bear to be around us. I saw Aly, my best friend, walking around. It was obvious she didn't see us, so I got up, and poked her when I walked by. She looked back, and so did I, smiling. She walked back to us and the table, sitting down across from me.
"Hey," I said to Aly.
"UGH, SCHOOL!" she groaned. I glanced away from Aly, and I saw my ex, staring again. What was his problem?

He beckoned me over, and I relectantly got up and walked over.
"What the cluck do you want?" I asked without letting him say anything first.
"I just want my old best friend back." That stung... did he really feel that way about... us?
"Well, if we aren't even at small talk every day, then I don't see how that's a possibility."
"Then why don't you try?"
"Because I don't want to. I don't want to be your friend. I don't want anything to do with you. You were the first one to hurt me, and cuss me out. I don't want to be your friend if you do that, and, I'm sorry if you want to be friends now, because you didn't think about that over the summer, treating me like you did," I spat.
He suddenly looked hurt, and I regretted letting it all out on him. He went to turn around and leave. "Carter?" I asked, and he looked at me, now glaring.
"What."
"Carter? I-- I just don't want to be friends after all you've put me through. You know about this. You've said it yourself. Every nice thing you try to do for me makes my life worse. So please, leave me alone. Just leave me the cluck alone." I walked back to the lunch table and sighed.
"What was that?" Aly asked, concerned.
"Carter."
"Girl, that's all you had to say," Aly replied like a sassy black girl.
"Yeah, I know," I sighed again, and opened my lunchbox. Nothing, again. I should probably actually pack lunch sometime...
"Taryn, whyyy? Why don't you ever bring lunch?" Thalia complained. "I'm only concerned for your growth and well-being. If you die of starvation, it's on me, but you can't blame me for getting mad at you for being moody from no food."
I shrugged. It was honestly fine with me if I died.
"Seriously, Taryn. Eat," Aly said.
"Fine. You got anything?"
"You know I do," Aly handed me a half sandwich. She always had something for me to eat, just in case. So, all the time, pretty much.
"Thanks," I said, starting to eat. "So, you never answered my question, Thalia. What's up?" I asked.
"Well, I think today is a day to live. I feel good about it so far."
"Well that's good, we don't want you to die," Aly said. "I sure don't, at least."
"Yeah, me neither..." I added so Aly would stop staring at me, because I wouldn't say that I wanted my own sister to live.