i hate you / phan

they sat on the porch, the tension between them... tense. no words were exchanged between them as they looked around awkwardly, anywhere but not each other.

finally, phil was tired of the silence between them.

"what do you want to tell me?"

taken aback by the sudden question, dan stayed quiet. he knew he should be prepared, should be bracing himself for this, but in reality he wasn't. he was just as unprepared as phil was. he was, for once, scared.

scared of what words would spill from his mouth, scared of what the words that comes tumbling out of his mouth would mean to phil.

scared of what the words would mean to the both of them.

dan gulped, the lump in his throat hard to swallow. the thick air was unbearable, the awkwardness making the entire situation worse.

"dan?"

phil looked like he wasn't affected at all by everything, and dan scoffed to himself. of course phil wasn't affected, he wasn't the one that is going to say everything.

dan cleared his throat. he could feel himself sweating, the beads of sweat clinging onto his forehead, and he was thankful that his fringe covered part of his forehead and that phil couldn't see it.

phil couldn't see anything, and if dan wanted to describe phil in one word, is that he is fucking blind. phil was the most clueless person he had ever seen, but this time dan was secretly grateful that phil was clueless, because it meant that phil couldn't see how shaky and clammy his hands were, how his heart was beating so fast, how he was nervous overall.

"i have to tell you something, phil."

"what?"

that words came out like a demand, and dan hates demands. it's like forcing someone to do something that they don't want to do, and yet they're obliged to say yes.

and now, phil is demanding dan to tell him what he's going to say.

so dan obliges.

"i'm moving out."

"what?"

now this word came out as a shock, the tone going high. this word came out to describe how unbelievable the entire situation is, how it took the other person aback. they didn't expect it, they didn't see it coming.

phil was shocked. phil thought this was unbelievable, and it took him aback. phil didn't expect it, and phil didn't see it coming either way.

"i'm moving out." dan repeated the sentence, as if phil didn't hear it. of course phil had heard it; after all, it was just a normal day in the cold british air, as if nothing extraordinary had happened, but something had happened in the two men's world.

"i-why?"

phil asked that question not because in every goddammed drama or book, the main character would just to keep the plot moving, no. phil asked that question because he truly wanted the answer. he wanted the answer to why dan wanted to move out all of a sudden.

"i just felt like leaving. taking a break from youtube, and the fame, you know. sometimes it just gets too much."

"how about... me?"