Dear You,
Who would have thought that we could be standing here- me facing you- and you're waiting for me to talk. But I guess hours of practicing my speech didn't actually work. I'm still here deprived of speech. Yet I know myself so much that I already expected this to happen. So I wrote this letter so that I don't have to speak. I just have to stare at you while you read it and glance at me from moment to moment.
So, here it goes...
I must admit, I wasn't very attracted of you when we first met. You were this funny-looking boy that seemed like you were just the joker. And I didn't paid much attention to jokers. Because I liked heartthrobs more and you know that. Because you were one of the witnesses of how I adored your best friend. Of course at first it was all about him. We texted because you knew that I liked him and you like to tease me. Unfortunately, it never lasted.
After a year, he transferred to another school. It was definitely heart breaking for me. And you know that as well. I had spend three months thinking that he would always be in my heart no matter where he is right now. But that all changed. And you were the reason why it did.
I knew from the first day of school, that you'd be the joker in our class. I wasn't wrong because you definitely were one of them. Unfortunately, I became one of the people you joked onto, and you hit my weakness because you joked about feelings. That was totally the dumbest thing you've ever done. You should have never started it, so I wouldn't be forced to finish it alone.
Don't get me wrong, I tried to resist the feelings that were churning inside me at first. The feelings which formed when you sent me sweet emojis, when you stared at me for seconds and wink thereafter, when you send me nonverbal conversations that totally turned my insides around. But I couldn't resist them, they're too strong, considering that you fed them every day with every little word you say, or every little glance you spare. At that moment, I knew that you got me. That you had my heart and I didn't want you to give it back. But you did. You gave me back my heart. And when I was just about to put it back to where it should've been and move on, you stole it from my hand unexpectedly. I was happy that you took it back. But then you stomped on it and broke it, without knowing that you did.
I don't blame you for it, because like what I've said, you didn't know. And it was my fault to take your jokes seriously all because I have never felt it before. That kind of feeling where I would jump in joy just because you winked again. Where I would hide a smile all because you said something weird. And that feeling where I would silently cry because you said something that clearly showed you didn't cared for me as much as I cared for you and your feelings.
I knew a lot about you not because you said so, but because I asked about them from your friends and family. It made me feel so worthless. Because even a friendly treatment, you couldn't even give. I was just the girl whom you would be talking to when you are bored, and the girl that you would ignore and not care about when you had anything else.
But it's not your fault, it's my mistake for expecting too much and assuming too much from you. You can blame me for falling in love with you and all your flaws. But I can never stop loving you. It was definitely something I didn't saw coming. But when I bumped on to it, I was stuck. Stuck to you, to everything about you.
Lately, I found out that you already had a girlfriend. You were so sweet to her and the whole world knew about it, because it was no secret. Everybody knew because you never failed showing it. While I stood there watching a love story that I wish was mine. Yet again, I became a bystander to the fairytale I've been dreaming of.
I'm not saying this so you'd feel pity towards me. I am saying this-or more of like writing this- because I want you to know. That at least, even if the 'WE' I wanted could never happen, you still knew. And that's what I really wanted to do.
It's been one year, one month and twenty-seven days and counting, since I started liking you. Maybe I should've just been more careful and tried not falling into the trap. But now that I did, there's no turning back. Although, I couldn't do anything to get it more than it is either. All I can do is be contented.
Goodbye for now and I hope you are happy with her. You would now close this paper without any word, hand it to me and watch me walk away. But you will not tell me you're sorry because you're not. Let me walk away if you have nothing good to say. I would just be contented with the closure that this would assumingly give. And I wouldn't mind if it's just this. Because I don't even want this to lead to something horrible too. So I'll bid my goodbye and promise me that you'll smile. Saranghae Oppa. 💋
Your CLASSMATE,
🍒
