Babyboy ≫ Phan Au

⑨

It's been a year now. I have started therapy and I'm getting way better, I no longer yell when someone grabs my wrist, I'm no longer quite during classes, and I'm not always looked up in my room trying to pretend I don't exist. My life keeps going, and I'm chasing those dreams. Not a day goes by that I still don't think about the room, the pain, the— sorry. Sometimes I get work up, talking about painful experiences that I well, forget the pain they bring. But nothing feels worse than the face of the one you let go suffocating you by means of congratulations or small hi or goodnight. I know he is trying to be nice, but it makes me remember the pain and just like my therapist said, You have to cut yourself from the root of the problem. It might be hard for him to accept, but I have to move on from him. For my own health. For the sake of the memories that still haunt me when I close my eyes.
Thankfully, my roommate has been helpful with this weird transition from depression to sad, by either trying to make me laugh or weird motivational quotes that don't fit to my issues. It's sweet that he cares—even though he's just showing it now—it tells a lot of his character, as a boy. I still don't really remember his name, but we are close.

"How have you been lately?" he asked on his computer chair. Trying to find a way to cut through the thick layer of ice
"Stressed" I replied looking up from my book.
That's also a new thing, I've found distracting myself with reading and studying really eases the pain of... life.
"Well, I imagine you are learning laws." he said pointing out the obvious with a small smile on his face, which grew on my face.
"So, It's been a while, is it still not okay if I ask?" he said, cautiously as if picking a scab off his knee

"I guess? What do you wanna know" I said shaking. I was revealing a non-personal friend all my personal information; I felt so exposed, but it was necessary for my growth.
"Why did you leave?" he asked

I inhaled softly collecting my already scattered emotions. My lips quivering lightly barely visible by most people. What do I reply with? What do I tell? What don't I tell? My mind went in complete frenzy trying to guess what to say first, what not to tell. Then a single voice came form my mind, tell him enough that matters.

"I found myself a sort of sugar daddy" I was nervous, my palms sweaty, clamy; I couldn't even close them without collecting a small puddle of sweat.
"oh, but then why did you come back?"  he was also nervous, trying his best not to trigger me or bring back some sort of unresolved issue.
"Um, I was sort of—"
"That was stupid I should of never asked!" he interrupted. Knowing that I would either start crying or fall apart then and there.
No one has ever been so nice to me; well, Phil was, until... that.

After that, it all went pretty smooth with the rest of my days. I studied and learn more about myself over the rest of the weeks, soon enough I was enjoying parties, had friends I could talk to; besides my roommate. Never have I been so happy and felt free, my shoulders where so weightless after all the therapy. But relationships are still a thing that trouble me; kissing, grinding, groping, and even dirty talking, it triggers the feelings. It's difficult. At this stage of my life being not sexually active is concerning. The pain of seeing other people enjoy a nice relationship without one of them totally freaking out about the hand of the other, freaks me out...
When a boy at a party comes near me, my heart races so hard that I could almost forget to take a breath. They all go for the same line it never fails
"wanna get out of here?" with the slight smell of beer on their breath to add to the magic of teen romance.
I chuckle and reply with a awkward smile on my face
"um, not really"
With that, they try really hard to get in your pants from: rubbing our leg to whispering their dick size in your ear; it's a turn off.
So I start pushing them away, showing how not that interested I am, but they keep trying that It's hard not to yell. Then I remember I'm in a party, so I can't just scream and cry without causing a scene. That's when I scan the room for friends who could save me from the situation I'm in.
Their is always at least one that comes and help me, when I stare at them with my scared eyes, which yell for me.
"wow, there buddy you have had a little to much to drink, why don't show you to the restroom?"
Is what my friends reply with to take them away from me. I would be stuck in so many awkward and frighting situations if I didn't have my friends.

To put it in summary I'm doing just fine, maybe not as much as Phil. Who I sometimes see stalking me in my classes, trying to start a conversation with me; it's sad, for him and me.
Was I that big a loss for him? Can he not find a replacement for me? He has that goddamn website for a reason, for when one leaves he can find another. There are plenty of sluts in the world with Daddy Kinks in this world, and this one is tired of having one. Someday I get text from him, but I never answer him.

Are you okay?

How is life?

I miss you

I hope you can come back in to my arms

that sounded desperate

you are my baby boy

His text faze right through me. They don't inflict any sort of guilt or sadness, just pity. Pity for making a grown man fall to his knees, begging for my forgiveness. Like I said really sad. I've moved on from that terrible moment—that didn't even last that long—in my life. Why did I ever let people influence my choices? I'm an idiot for following people's choices in my life. I know I'm never going to get him out of my life, but he has to give up some day or is he planning to chase after me for the rest of his dateable years. I never knew, I had such a toll over his live. Now, I don't even wanna date boys my age or older, at this point boys, guys, men, whatever you wanna call the male species disgust me—even though i'm a male. The way we fight over mates like vicious animals, we don't even do it to reproduce, just to show how masculine we are; again it's sad.

So maybe I've turned over a new leaf with myself and found the true side of myself. I'm asexual. An that sex doesn't control my life, and should control anyones. I shouldn't be told that if I wanna be cool I need to do the nasty more than once with multiple people. It's a sort of gross peer pressure, that people should never be forced to. Never will i crawl to the feet of someone else again.