What If I

The pistol.

I sit staring at the screen. It must've been a *67 number. I can't see the sender information. It isn't accessible. I read it, word for word. Studying each curve and line in each letter. I read it over and over. Shaking, I push my phone to the dresser and turn it off.

I face the wall and fall asleep in just my bra and underwear. I don't dream. I just see black. Except I don't now. It's him, I am sleeping. He has a knife. He traces a T into the back of my head and slices an X onto the back of my neck. He slowly drives the point into my skin as I cry out.

"Josh! Help me-" I die instantly. Josh stumbles into the room and Titanic stabs him in the stomach. He bleeds to death. He sniggers and walks out. I scream through my dream and wake up. Josh runs into the room. And sits at the end of the bed.

"What's wrong Poppy?" He asks, running his long fingers through my silky blonde hair. I look away. I flutter my eyelashes.

"Nothing. Just a bad dream that's all." I have never noticed a southern drawl so much in my voice before. I thought I had hidden it quite well. I am not ashamed of it but mine is just too strong.

"Ok, Princess. It's 7:30. Do you want breakfast?" He asks in a soft voice.

"No thanks Josh. I'm just gonna go for a little walk. ALONE. If you don't mind.  I say, walking towards the bathroom. I brush my teeth and don't bother straightening my hair or combing through it.

I walk back in to grab my purse and run down the stairs. I open the door and slam it on the way out. I go back in and take Josh's keys off the counter. I run back out and shut the door quietly this time. I get in Josh's car, start the engine and speed down the road at 70 an hour. I park up and get out. I walk in. And look around. Many different ones, different configurations. This will be hard. 

"Can I help you ma'am?" A man much older than me says, leaning over the counter.

"Which will kill someone almost every shot?" I ask looking away from him and at the display.

"The semi automatic behind me, ma'am." He turns around and points at the gun. It was pink. I stare at it. 

"It will be $150." He says. I hand him a $100 note and a $50. He takes them and holds them up to the light. He whips out his key and unlocks it from the cabinet. He puts it on the desk in front of me, and I point at the bullets displayed to my right. They were allopoint bullets. I pick them up and give the man a cold, hard stare. I put another $50 on the counter and he hands me three boxes. All full of those bullets. He puts them in a bag and I snatch it out of his hands and walk back to the car. I get in and drive away. 

I park the car in the same spot. And unlock the door. I see a note on the floor. It reads:

"Poppy, I have to perform today in Philadelphia. It was so sudden I had no idea. I won't be back until 10:00pm. That's the earliest I can get back for you. I will pick you up something. I promise. Be safe, princess.

I have also left a little something for you in your room. Open it x

-Josh x"

I hold the note in my hands and put it on the window ledge in the kitchen. It is 9:00am now so what am I going to do for 13 hours? I get upstairs and walk into the guest room. There is a huge box on the bed. What could it be? I unwrap it with my manicured fingers and see a guitar. He bought me a guitar. A guitar, my guitars are at Corey's. No doubt he has burnt them. It is an acoustic. I pull it out of the box and tune it up. 

"Wow." I say to myself. I look at the beautiful instrument. I go into my phone which I had left here while I had gone on my trip and see it's unlocked and in the notes app. Holy Shit. Song lyrics I had written a while ago. I had forgotten about this song. What If I...

What if I had driven round the block
To waste a couple ticks on the clock
What if I decided not to stop
You wouldn't ever enter my thoughts
What if I found someone else
Would I have a void that only you could help?
Maybe met you on a different day
Would I have looked at you some other way

But I didn't
So I shouldn't
Wonder what if I

If I were a little more smart
Or learned to not think too hard
What if I were too stable to risk
Push the envelope, I know you can't resist
But if I would gamble according to the odds
And blame my fate upon the will of God

But I didn't
So I shouldn't
Wonder what if I

But I didn't
So I shouldn't
Wonder what if I

What if I, had driven round the block
To waste a couple ticks on the clock

I written this when I was 17. I never finished or released it. Except on YouTube but Corey took it down. As it, 'Wasn't as good as my music now.' I don't actually like any of the Poppy.Computer tracks. To me there bullshit. I didn't write them, I don't like the theme. Bubblebath was mine. It was about me. I am going to finish this. I am going to put it online. And he can't do anything about it. 

I pick up the guitar and play for what seems like hours. Until I hear a knock at the door. I run downstairs and open it. 

Corey.