What did I do?
I mean, I wasn't exepting that something like that would happen.
What am I supposed to do?
After all, I can't suffer anymore. I can't cry like that anymore. That is too hard... too hard. Even if this word is simple, that is too hard for me to just always thinking, always listening sad music that I kove, always hiding myself, always waiting that my sister and my mother are sleeping to crying in a corner, to always asking myself:
Did I do something wrong?
Why me?
Is there a reason to all that pain?
Is there a solution?
I always believed that I will never do a depression, because I don't like to admit things which I do not want want to admit, I don't want that too.
I always think that I can go ahead, that it can stop... but that doesn't work. Maybe it is me, maybe I am not to positive... but belive me, I try to be.
Sometimes, I thing that I am overreacting. But I think that it is not the case. The pain is here, it is real.
It is like I am stuck in a hole, a big hole. I am feeling lonely, even if I have "lots" of friends and a sister, I don't know... I feel alone.
I don't like talking about my problems, about my weaknesses...
I am sick of this.
All is getting better, as soon as possible.
I want to change that, but I can't right now, I have not enough strenght right now.
I don't know if writing that will help me or anything, I hope that yes.
I don't want to think.
The time is going fast, but very slow too.
I have not anymore the smile that I had before.
I am not like a deppressive or anything, that is the first time in 16 years that it is happening.
I want to be happy, like a normal person. I want to have a normal life. I want a father too...
Right now, I wish I could be a normal child. Running, without fearing about falling or to be hurt. Progressig, without fearing to be stopped. Dreaming, without fearing the sad reality.
Sometimes, I want that everyone knows what I am thinking, because I want that others understand me like I understand myself. Because I want to be reassured, I think I need help, I need somebody who understands me, I need to talk to somebody that doesn't juge me for who I am, somebody that cares about me, somebody who will not talk to others about my secret. Sure, I have a "bestfriend", but I don't trust anyone anymore.
I wrote some sentences with tears. With hard tears, not necessary lots of, but sincere tears.
My eyes are like blank.
Sometimes, I wan't more freedom. Sometimes, I wan't to run, to sprint, while listening good music, thinking about nothing, or maybe only happiness.
Yes, sometimes I want to die. But that doesn't mean I will kill myself, I will never do that. And I never go back on my words.
I am quite confident, I know that I will have a good job in the futur, that I will maybe be happy with somebody...
But right now, I'm not happy, I never felt that bad, and I really hope it will change, even if it is like about few months that I am lost, that I feel bad, that I have pain.
Maybe I'm defective or maybe I'm dumb.
I'm sorry, so sorry for all I've done.
Maybe I'm bad natured or maybe I'm young.
I'm sorry, so sorry for all I've done.
One day, somebody told me that I am very strong, that one day I'll do a choice, a very important choice in my life. And I think that it is the time, the time to choose between the right path, or the bad. This person told me that I have to choose the right path, or I will be bad for a long, a very long time. And I trust this person, I trust what he said... it is maybe stupid to think like that but I don't know, I have the feeling that right now, I have to take a path, the right path.
Don't blame me because I wrote that, I am just sick of this, and tonight, I have the feeling that if I write "all I have in my heart", I will be a little bit less tired of this, less unhappy.
~A good person~
