Skinny

Chapter 6

Please take caution while reading this chapter and all the ones after.  

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  There were many times when I felt like people didn't understand me. They didn't get my reasoning for losing more weight. I wanted to scream at them and grab my stomach. Couldn't they see? It was pretty obvious to me. 

  A couple weeks after the party, I was feeling lower than ever. Melanie and her little posse would make snide remarks all the time about what I was eating or doing. No one even stopped them, it was like I was so much bigger all over again. Every time I heard someone say something about my weight, I felt that I gained five pounds.  

How could I had been so stupid? It was obvious that I wasn't going to stop getting tortured. I was so naive and hopeful. I thought my accomplishments meant something, but in reality they didn't.   

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Homework sucked. I was stuck researching online for a new essay that was assigned in English class. It was due  in two weeks so I figured do the research early so I could be done with the essay before I had to turn it in. After a couple hours of being bored, I decided to surf different websites. The first one was Facebook. I scrolled down my news feed and it was the normal statuses about love, school, and hanging out with people. I was getting tired of it and about to sign out when I saw someone's status read 'Thinspiration <3.' I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to figure out what that could mean. Deciding I wouldn't get anywhere with my thoughts, I turned to Google. After I typed it in, many websites came up. I clicked on one of them and read through the first paragraph.

'Don't let your stomach fool you. It may growl, hurt, and even be extremely annoying, but will power is key. You don't want to look like those fat girls who can't fit anywhere, do you? You don't want to be alone forever because no guy wants a giant hippo, right? Exactly. Listen to your head, not your stomach. Ana is your friend, listen to the things she tells you. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.'

I was completely taken back after reading that. How could someone possibly condone anorexia? That was absolutely ridiculous. Sighing, I scrolled down a little bit more and pictures started to fill the screen. The girls in the pictures were extremely thin. I was in awe at how their thighs never touched, how their bodies were so defined, and how there was absolutely no fat on them. I started feeling extremely self conscious. How I would kill to look like one of those girls.

The pictures continued on and then there was a list. '40 reasons to stop eating.' My curiosity took over, so I decided to read it. The reasons seemed to legitimate. I could feel myself agreeing with almost every one of them. I wanted to accomplish the things in the list. I wanted to be one of those girls that guys picked up without any effort. I yearned to be able to control my cravings. The person who wrote the list made it seem so easy.

I grabbed my journal and started jotting down some of the points that I felt would be helpful to me. 'Too many people in America were obese', 'People will describe you as the one who is so skinny', 'Saying no to food is excellent will power.' I continued to write down more and read them over a few times. I needed to remember them.

I then began searching terms on Google such as 'Pro-Ana', 'Thinspiration', and 'Pro-Mia.' What I found was completely astonishing. There were communities filled with helping others lose weight in ways I never thought possible. Sure I knew about bulimia and anorexia, but not about the people who supported them and gave others hints on how to hide it from their families and friends. It shocked me, but intrigued me as well.