On the morning of my 17th birthday, I dreamed of a girl who once I had and once I loved.
She’s the farthest thing from being sweet, not even romantic nor expressive. I’m not sure but that’s how I remembered her. She’s like a new found world whose beauty I never heard of. And fortunate I thought of myself to have her beauty right before my sight and like a curious man I was, I came rushing in this world and as my feet landed in her shores, I ran to the hills curious to see the beauty that is about to unfold before me.
But as I reach the top of the hill, I felt weaker in every step and breathing became harder like it took a lot of effort to inhale every gas around me. They were running away from me, eaten by something more dominant element.
Then it occurred to me.
We breathe different kind of gas. Well, I’ll never know of the difference or such gaseous element that exists in her world that drives me off.
But one thing I am sure of:
I’m not suitable of living in her magnificent world.
As I reached the top, i felt all the air abandoned my container and I felt dying.
I looked up and found her standing. Naked.
Her beauty is perfection. She came to me and pulled me up. She looked at me with so much longing that I’ll never understand in all my years. All I see are complexities and the physical beauty of her eyes. Deep and black. The most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.
But my eyes were disturbed by what lies below her neck. Two full grown breasts and my attention was divided. I don’t know where to look.
Out of confusion I just stared down to my feet. Seeing her nipples at the corners of my eyes, I blushed and felt embarrassed. I avoid taking peek at this marvelous piece of art. I don’t deserve to. At least by that time, I thought.
Null.
There was a silence. a silence that’s hard to break. Making me aware of this, breaks something deep inside of me, was it my heart? I do not know. But definitely something’s breaking deep within me. It breaks me even more that I’m not aware of what was it.
I see her sob.
She’s crying for some reasons I do not know and I’ll never know for I never thought to ask. There might be no reason at all, i thought.
Now she’s crying without a drop of a sound. Many times in my life I tried to shed tears without making a single drop of a sound that would vibrate and echo and eventually would be heard by the world. I once cried when my mother died and it was heard in every corner of the world, from Tokyo to Sao Paulo, from Seattle to Ouagadougou. I don’t mean to disturb them. Really. But when they heard me and when I knew about it, I tried to make my sobs a little more audible. Very little, so that they will know I was lamenting over my mother’s death without embarrassing myself. And they would come to me and the world would stop to ask how I feel.
People stopped and stared above the sky for some time. I wish to get every soul of them to be my comfort. I wish them to come to me. But they kept walking. Nobody cared.
From that point, I tried my very best not to make a single sound whenever I cry so the world will not be disturb from its rotation. No, maybe the actual reason is that I just get disappointed whenever they do that. Looking at me as if they cared at all cost but would never come to me for they thought I would be fine just like everybody else.
They never exactly knew how I felt.
But this woman in front of me did effortless in doing what I wished I could do. I want to ask her how she do that.
Crying without a single drop of a sound. But I was just quiet. Still staring at my feet. Waiting for whatever would happen at that moment.
She was staring at me. I can feel.
She must be too, is waiting for me to speak or do something.
But just like the world to me, I just stared at her. Doing nothing. But at least I did not walked away like the world did but to see her crying without a drop of a sound and seeing myself useless, it was again a moment when something breaks deep inside you. I don’t know what was wrong. but definitely, something was wrong.
She unclipped her mouth and mumbled words but I was sure those were inaudible. Crying and talking without a drop of a sound. I tried to make the words she was saying.
Hem? Egg? Self? Left? Help? Self? Hell?
Whatever it was, I’ll never know. I would like to know but I’m not really sure if I’ll care to hear about it.
She then embraced me. My face flushed for I can feel her breasts against my chest. Her body against my body.
We shared our bodies.
I devoured every bit of soul left in her. It was the hunger of the flesh. I have to feed her into its need at that moment. To fulfill its momentary desire. Just like a dog salivating for its food.
When we were done, I felt like it was not supposed to be done. Awkward.
She then stood up like nothing happened. She stood there like from the moment I saw her.
I hated her. I’m not sure why.
Maybe because we made love and I thought I am in love with her. And that she loves me too.
But that was only a thought.
She was a machine with no heart and soul. Or maybe I was wrong, too young to know by that time.
I was not sure but we were different structures I thought, that could never be one.
It was a dream. It maybe was the reality, taking its form in a dream, to avoid me knowing the pain of breaking something deep inside me.
A woman who stands in a hill. Naked. Waiting for someone to take her out of such a corrupted world.
And 50 years had passed and I could never forget about that dream and i could never forgive myself. I felt sorry for her, for she thought I could save her, but I just pushed her even more to her devastation.
