Bent

1, 2, 3

1, 2, 3, 4

Ok maybe if i count backwards.

3, 2, 1
"Dammit!" I exclaim, letting the razor slip out of my fingers and onto my wooden closet floor.
"Even in the fleet of being a coward... I cower," I breath.
It was supposed to be poetic. It was supposed to be a metaphor. Sort of saying i will never be able to come out of the closet... And when i finally do it will be in a body bag.
This room is too small. The walls shrink and grab to my skin. They mock my pain.
"Your not a girl, dont wear that."
"I wont have a crossdresser as a son"
"Your a disappointment."

I wonder... If I could just stay here forever. Its quiet in this pit of mine.
So I breath in,
1, 2, 3, 4,
And out,
3, 2, 1,
Until the heavy weight on my head sinks to the floor and I fall asleep.

"NO!" A loud male voice screaches, cracking at the end of the word.

"No no no no no!" It says again.

My mind is still fogged with sleep, my eyes barred shut, trapping my conscious behind my skull. I refuse to wake up, whoever is making all of the noice will have to leave at some point so I decide to wait it out.

A pile of bones crumbles to the floor, the noice man collapsing in himself.
He weeps, I hear 1, 2, 5 sobs escape his mouth before he is scrambling to the closet in which I reside.

Light pokes my eye lids until I am forced to open them and face whatever creature has dared to wake me.

Nathan, my older brother, kneels over me. Tears soak his face.
"What do you want?" I question, still grumpy from being woken up so abruptly.

"Oh my fu- your Ok!" He squeals, grasping at my shoulders and pulling me close to his chest.
"Why wouldn't I be ok?" I ask, slightly sober now.

He releases me and violently tosses a wrinkled piece of paper at my stomach.
"Why do you think James?"

I pick up the page, my confusion lingering for only a moment before I attempt to explain myself him.
"I meant to throw this away, or burned it or whatever... just forget about it."

"Forget about it?! James I came in to ask if you had seen my game boy and I found you damn suicide note! And what the hell does this even mean? "Sorry I wasnt who you wanted me to be," who are you?" Nathan is in a panic.

"Im not who everyone thinks I am. Who everyone forces me to be. In not... Like other guys... " I stutter.

"What do you mean?" Nathan questions backing up slightly.

"I'm not... I've never felt like-"

"A guy?" He cuts me off.

I sigh, " ding ding ding."

"So what? I've known that since you were nine when you told mom and dad you wanted to be Brittney Spears for Halloween. Were you really going to take your own life because of it? You might as well have killed me whike you were at it. If something happens to you-" he rushes, "I would die..."

In taken aback by this. I knew he loved me... But he never shows too much emotion at one time. I figured he'd be sad but he would be fine.
"Mom hates me. She told me. She said 'i didnt raise you to be some girl'. She said 'if you become some drag queen I will have no love for you. If this is what you choose I never what to see you again.' Then she stormed off." A knot forms in my throat as the last few words tumble out of my mouth.

"Screw her. That woman is incapable of loving anyone but her mangly boyfriend and herself. If you say you're a girl then it's true. I'll love you no matter what..." His voice, matching his face, is sincere, no trace of humor to be found.

"Nate... I'm a joke. I was born genderbent. What do you call someone like me?" I ask, my voice desperate.
He stands, silently saluting my pledge of inverse nature.
Inhale.
Exhale.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 seconds drive by our apartment before he answers.
"Human."

He reaches out his hand for me to take, when I do he pulls me up into a tight but breif hug.
"I love you dork. Don't you ever scare me like that again.