~CHAPTER I~
“selfie”
Looking at those friends of mine who look so in love and preparing for their weddings! Urrgh! I should take some time away from social medias like facebook. It doesn’t help! For one thing, di naman ako makarelate ( I know, NBSB ang lola mo), second, it makes me feel sad (well, sad for myself na hinde ako makarelate, and last but not the least, I don’t want to crave on that very thought. I know someday, someone will suddenly come in my life, swept me off my feet and boom! We’re in love! Well, here I go again, that THOUGHT!!! That freaking thought I always dwell in my mind and kept buried, pero kapag may dumarating na possibility, d ko naman winewelcome! Hay, anu ka ba selfie?! What’s wrong with you? Di ka naman lesbian and for one thing, positive naman ako attracted ka paren sa male species (yun lang, parang d attracted sayo ang mga boys).
“Erase, erase, erase!” I almost shouted at myself, but probably this would be the best time to reevaluate myself while im all alone sa bahay. I grabbed my mini mirror na nakasalpak lang sa couch then positioned myself while seated on the floor, holding the mirror with my right hand. “Hmmmm, dapat dumalaw ka na sa salon selfie at ipa-trim mo na ung eyebrows mo, then work on your crease, bket di mo ginagamet ung eyelid tape na binili mo recently sa Etude? And ung nose, mejo make some exercises para tumaas ng unti ung ilong, then ung smile dapat ang dating eh mysterious! Hahahhahaha!” I looked like a fool talking to myself and giving myself some advises. Pero for some reason, I found it helpful to analyze myself more. I know, I’m not really pretty like those girls ngayon na with all-make-up on, either rebonded o curly ang hair, nakaayos ang eyebrows, and very charming and appealing. Pero one thing I’m so sure about eh, di naman siguro ako panget na panget. I just don’t know why guys don’t bother to take interest in me. I’m thinking baka nasa personality rin ang problem. I just can’t figure it out. What’s wrong with you Kelly? Yung isang bestfriend ko, nakakadalawang kids na with a very supportive and loving husband, ako, wala paren experience when it comes to my own personal love life. Pero ang alam ko magaling ako magbigay ng advises.
Maybe, it was fate…it was fate working all this time. Love will find me at the right place, at the right time. Just be positive Kelly. Love will find you when you least expect it. Wow, what a nice thought. Sana lang selfie kapag may dumating ulet, sana bigyan mo na ng chance.
Nagulat ako sa ring ng cellphone. But I was not surprised to hear who’s on the line. Yung bestfriend ko lang naman ang laging nangangamusta at tumatawag to check what I’m doing.
“hi bes! Anu balita?”
Alam ko naman wala talagang balita, kasi kakausap lang namen kagabe. And I basically know everything about her. We’ve been friends for more than 10 years, at hinde ko na rin mabilang kung ilan beses na kame nagkagalit over some stupid fights. Yung iba walang kwenta, ung iba sensitive issues. Pero what I like about our friendship is that we can’t manage to be angry with each other over a long time. Hinde pa naman tumatagal ang away namen ng one week. We’ve been like more than true sisters kung tratuhin ang isa’t isa. Wala kameng tinatago, kahit na sa crushes pa namen. May mga bagay na I hate about her, like ung kilos nya when it comes to boys. She’s more liberated than I am, open to new ideas, open to take risks, confident in herself... I love her for all the things that she is. That’s why we’re still bestfriends. Well, ang pinaka ayaw ko lang talaga sa kanya is, when she like a particular guy, she would make it really obvious like buying gifts to them. At yun talaga ang pinaka ayaw ko sa mga babae—treating guys like gods or God’s gift to women! Puhleeassseeee!
“Musta kau ni Miko?” sabay bungad nito sa akin na para bang mas kinikilig pa.
“Hello? Cel? It’s over between us!” Huwaw! At kung maka “over” ako para naman naging kame nung lalaki! Hahahah! Minsan ok din maging feelingera ah. So liberating ang dating! LOL!
At katulad na nga ng ineexpect ko na reaction coming from Cielo, uber to the maximum na naman ang tono ng pananalita nito at as usual, it was purely my mistake baket di na naman nagkaroon ng progress ang magiging lovelife ko na sana.
“Huh?! Baket bes? Anu ginawa mo?!” bungad agad nito na may kasama pang pamimintang. Syempre kasalanan ko na naman. Alangan naman nung guy. Ako naman talaga ang may issue sa sarili ko.
“I don’t know what happened bes, he just some sort of stop texting me. Lage naman ganun diba? Di pa ba kau nasasanay sa phases ng lovelife ko? Ako nga nagsasawa na”
Narealized ko ang baba pala ng tono ko, parang hinde ako na lage matining ang boses kahit sa phone. Nag log out na nga ako sa facebook para manahimik at lumayo sa mundo db? Tas eto ang bestfriend ko para istorbohin ang nananahimik kong mundo. Tapos cya pa ang may ganang magalit sken.
“Baket kc di mo sinagot yung text nya na magkita kau ng personal? Bket ka ba nagtatago bes? Hinde ka naman panget, cute ka naman, at heller! Pang highschool ang drama mo, pede ba? Hinde bagay! Kung ganyan ka magmadre ka na lang!” sabay sigaw neto.
Pagkatapos nya ako paulanan ng magagandang complements, binabawi naman nito lage sa dulo. I’m so frustrated right now, and I don’t need all those craps. I want to take some time alone ngayong rest day ko. I want to imprison myself sa bahay, not doing and torturing myself thinking about things that aren’t just meant to be. I mean, if a guy really wants to be a part of your life, makikita mo yun sa efforts na binibigay nila. And unfortunately, in my case, wala pang guy na nagttry mag extend kahit isang kapirasong effort para saken. Sometimes, it will just cross my mind na, I’m not really deserving in any of their attentions. I am not the girl, ika nga. Oh crap! Stop it selfie!!! Ayokong umiiyak ka..
“Okay bes, I know it’ s not a good time to lie, and even if I lie to you, di ka naman maniniwala because you know me better than anyone else in this world. And….and I know it’s my fault to play hard to get, but I was just scared okay? Hinde ba pedeng natakot muna ako bago mo icipin na nagiinarte ako?” it almost sound like I’m pleading for her to believe me. Nasaktan ako, okay? I won’t lie. Nasaktan ako this time, dito sa guy na toh, nag expect ako ng very little na may mabubuo, na may magbobloom into something special, but it was gone now. Kahit na sabihin ko pang maliit na expectations lang yun, ang dating eh, nagexpect paren ako. But I can’t let myself dwell over something I can’t change. Hinde ako mapilit na tao, and mataas ang pride ko when it comes to men, ayaw ko magmukhang I’m doing something para lang maging interested cya sken. But probably, that’s where the problem is. Im not doing anything.
“Anong nakakatakot dun bes? What’s so scary about meeting someone? Nakita mo naman si Miko sa facebook, and besides, cya na yung pinakaacceptable sa lahat ng nakatext mo, he’s cute at ikaw na nagsabe, may sense cya kausap diba? Why let go of this person? Sayang, sayang talaga, it’s just so sad” at yan na naman ang bestfriend ko na si Cielo, mas nafufrustrate pa cya sa lovelife ko kesa sa lovelife nya na zero percentage din like mine. Pero ako lang talaga ang pinagkakaabalahan nyang hanapan ng lovelife. Minsan iniisip ko, what would it be like kung cya ang may boyfriend between us? Parang magseselos ako dahil I would feel alone. For sure, lahat ng time nya nasa boyfriend nya, di ko na cya mahihila sa mga biglaang lakad sa mall and spend some girly time together. How selfish of me hoping sana hinde pa cya magka boyfriend, when all this time all she’s thinking about is my happiness. Parang mas excited pa cya to see me with someone. I feel guilty over my own thoughts.
“ I just don’t get them bes! I don’t understand guys…maybe I’m part of the problem or probably, I am the problem here. I’m giving up. I want to concentrate on other things. I want to have a life! Mag eenroll ako sa gym, make some good friends and that’s it! Yeah! Good idea right? Tama! Hahahahah! Tama, that’s what I’ll do! We’ll forget boys”
Natapos ang buong araw ko kakanguya ng pagkain na makita sa fridge: bread, natirang ulam, biscuit, kape, juice, gatas, chocolate, mr. chips, yakult…lahat ng laman na makita ko. Inakyat ko muna ang cellphone ko sa taas para magcharge, sinadya ko talaga na dun cya isaksak kahit na pwede naman sa may extension wire sa sala malapit sa tv. From this day forward, I’m bringing my old self back: yung hinde naghihintay sa text coming from Miko. Hinde napapraning everytime may nagtext, thinking it came from Miko. Not waking up every morning checking my cellphone if Miko already texted me “goodmorning” and finally, not sleeping because I’m still waiting for his text. I would live my life not because of him, but because I want to have a life, without him on it.
