Moonlight ~ A Study in Stupidity

12. That One Time I went to the Hospital...

With lights and sirens and all that hellacious noise hurting my head as the Ambulance took the long way to the local Hospital. By the time we got there I was almost positive we passed my favorite 7-11 twice. I felt so totes ridic the whole time they were unloading me, as I was still wearing the head trauma helmet. So DOG only knows what that shit was doing to my hiar...or dog-forbid the last homeless person how had worn this thing before me.   

What made this stupid shitshow even worse was that little evil asshole Eddie simply skipped right thru the hospital doors like he owned the place. My hand gripped my bedazzled boxcutter just a little tighter...and I itched to slice that little bitch a brand new smile right across his filthy frosty face.

"You owe me bitch time." He mouthed with a twisted smirk.

I mouthed back over at him. "I will fucking cut you..."

"Cool. I love cutters." He mouthed back then licked his filthy frosty lips.

And as much as I hate to admit this, I was really starting to looking forward to our next knife fight.

They put me in the emergency room, in the long room with a line of beds separated by pastel-patterned shower curtains. Then an almost cute male nurse gave me a wink and put a pressure cuff on my arm and a thermometer under my tongue. Since no one bothered pulling the curtain around to give me some privacy, I decided I wasn't obligated to wear the stupid-looking helmet anymore that was fucking up my hair. When the nurse walked away, I quickly unfastened the Velcro strap and threw it under the bed, for someone to mistake as a piss pan.

There was another flurry of hospital personnel, another stretcher brought to the bed next to me. None other than Duh Derrick, who looked like he went face first thru a glass window. I recognized this forking idiot beneath the bloodstained bandages wrapped tightly around his head. About the only forktard in the world who would get a boner in the Ambulance. Stupid sex-offender looked a hundred times worse than I felt, and he was still staring anxiously at me, licking his lips.

"You stupid mutherfuc..." I started in as soon as the EMT's were gone.

"I'm so sorry Bee! Is your ass okay?" He immediately started whining at me like a gave a flying fork. At least his priorities were straight...namely me and my fine yoga ass.

"My ass is fine ASF, you stupid fucking jackoff." I snapped back. "What the hell were you thinking watching porn and driving at the same time? Eyes on the road, hands at two and ten mutherforker...not on your junk you jerker. Everybody knows that! Even the forktards around here."

"But...I wasn't watching porn ...yet. I was trying to take pics of your ass standing there in those tight yoga pants. For later tonight ..." He teared up. "...when I was gonna have my special me time."

"OMFD ...just stop talking now." I sigh and roll my eyes.

The sad truth is that this is by far not the first time my hot yoga butt has caused a traffic accident. There are just sometimes you have to accept the fact you have an ass that can stop traffic. And like Kim Kardashian says ...with great ass comes great responsibility.

Before he could say anything else even stupider, the nurse began unwinding his soiled bandages. Exposing a myriad of shallow slices all over his face and sweaty forehead from when he apparently went thru the windshield face first. But I just ignored his whining and crying. I did take some small pleasure as he began to scream when the nurse started dabbing rubbing alcohol on his face for fun.

Suddenly Gay Mikey was there at the foot of my bed with a super worried look on his face.  

"So, what's the verdict anyways?"