Prologue
Danzamanomania woke up.
Main-o-logue
‘Danzamanomania, you’re fired’, were the words uttered by the President. Of Salfords. And Soulfords. And the United States. Because Soulfords and the United States had become outlying territories of Salfords following the Great War between the frackers and the crackers. However, the frackers were slackers, and so ate the crackers, thereby coming into ownership of Soulfords, the United States, and all the cookie shops in Mongolia and Oongolia. However, the province of Pongolia had retained it’s cookie-based independence.
‘But President Nixon, I don’t want to be fired’, Danzamanomania said to the cow that sat opposite him. ‘I’m you’re best friend, protégé, mentor, employee, employer, secretary, pickle, advisor, president, and father. Without the father.’ ‘Tough, you’ve let too many pickles into my office. They’ve taken nearly all of my eyebrow hairs. I’m having to resort to my emergency supply’, he said, gesturing to the pickle jars of eyebrow hairs he kept on his desk.
Danzamanomania checked his watch – it was the 5th March, 2025. As he left, he heard the sharp crack of Ruth Rutherfordzamanomania slapping the cow, having just found out about the affair it was having. ‘You’ve made a ti-t-t-ti-t-t-ti-t-titanical error here, Mr Cow. Shocked at her choice of words, President Nixon fell back, knocking over a tub of rice.
Danzamanomania sat on the street, hugging his cuddly elephant tightly, remembering the time he had rescued it from a burning wreckage using his saliva to keep the building standing until it could escape. ‘Hey mum’, he said. Then a tub of rice fell out of an office window across the street, landing on a big tall guy, rendering him unconscious. Emerging from the elephant’s udder, the eighth one on the right past the cookie shop and the bakery, she presented Danzamanomania with a pile of photos. ‘A wrinkly old conspiracy theorist named Humza left these for you while you were being fired from your job’, that’s what she said, ‘Emphasis on the fact that you were FIRED FROM YOUR JOB.’ ‘I think they’re from the future.’ Danzamanomania picked up the photos. The first one showed a pickle. Danzamanomania used his highly analytical brain to deduce that this was a Pickelian pickle, found only in Hodder City. He used his highly analytical brain to deduce that based on the ripeness of the pickle, the photo must have been taken in 15 hours and 59 minutes. The second photo showed a tub of rice. Then a tub of rice hit him. Then he tripped up over a tub of rice. Then another tub of rice hit him. Then the extremely angry rice tub salesman threw his tub of rice stall out of the eighth floor at Danzamanomania. He was angry because Nixon was not reelected. He did not care that Nixon was, in fact, reelected. He was a quasi federealist surrealist pickealist Zionist lionist sickle-wielding pickle. He was born in Oongolia in 1984, where had recorded his experiences in a diary, gone back in time, and published his experiences under the pseudonym ‘George Orwell’. His name was Miss S Wahl Hams. But it was the third photo that caught Dan’s eye. It was an expressionless face. On a mannequin. In Debenhams. In Debenham (fun fact, this is the name of an, er, village in Suffolk from which the leader of the Tomunist, er, party has bought some goods and, er, services from, increasing consumption and increasing, er, um, er, ah, hm, pickle, er, aggregate demand, which further set off a multiplier effect –‘AVERAGE PROPENSITY TO CONSUME’ said a voice from behind Danzamanomania. He turned around and saw a tub of rice. Inside the tub of rice, was found rice. Then the rice then left to go and talk to his friend in English lessons, singing to itself the words of ‘It wasn’t me’ to the tune of Chariots of Fire as he left. Then a tub of rice hit Danzamanomania. ‘Mum, where can I find this wrinkly old conspiracy theorist named Humza who left me these photos and his address, which just happens to be at 11 Downing Street, in Oongolia, postcode SWsomething somethingGR1whatsitisface?’ ‘In Florida General Hospital’ replied Danzamanomother. Danzamanomania, remembering the three times he had been to Florida General Hospital in the past, fell asleep, as a tub of rice plummeted from above.
