Makeup remover wipes S.M.

Chapter 38

I sit in my car and cry, I'm in the hospital parking lot but I can't leave, I can't go in they'll probably kick me out again. All I want is to see him, it's been a long two months and as the third one nears I worry our babies are gonna have to go without their dad on their birthdays. Angelina was the first one to endure the pain but Shawn called her during his chemo. She cried for two days and then she got sick too she almost hoped she'd end up in a hospital so she could see her dad but the heartbreaking news was when I finally had to tell her she wouldn't end up in a hospital with him regardless. "Shawn Mendes?"

"I'm sorry love but you can't," I nod slowly making my way towards the exit the tears haven't yet left my eyes.

"Could you give him this?" I hand her the box with the teddy bear ring in it, the beautiful beautiful ring. It feels wrong that I have it, I don't deserve it. He's supposed to give it to me and he did but not properly.

I seat myself in the chair of the waiting room watching her as I always do waiting for her to disappear down the hallway with the ring like always, but as more and more people appear I loose hope in even semi seeing it being delivered to my love. Standing his shirt ruffles and I sigh seeing the front, it was his favourite, a patterned button up and it's really cute. I just wanted to feel his soft touch, I wore the shirt because I thought he was home. "Bye Shawn," I mumble to the hospital floor while I walk out. I have no hope of us ever being reunited.

"Don't leave yet," a nurse pleads. "You just got here, he'd be really pleased to see you." I nod because of how much I wanna see him. I wouldn't have done it if she'd said anything else, but talking about how happy he'd be to see me. I follow her down the halls and towards his room, I know the rout on my own but there's a lot of access that needs to be granted and I can't get through on my own. Plus I shouldn't know my way here so I have to pretend I don't. "You'll just have to wait out here, he's taking a bath at the moment," I stare at the bed through the glass waiting to see my ill looking husband. While I watch he slowly appears but he doesn't see me, from what I figure it's one way glass.

"Hi," I whisper as I would to one of our babies running my nail over the window separating us. "Hi," I mumble softly giving a smile. "You might not see me, but I see you, and I miss you a lot." I wipe my eyes. "I can't wait for you to come home," I sink to the ground sobbing into my hands while I prepare to be escorted out like usual, they don't want me to wake the other patients or stress them out but any other person that cries may stay, I feel like it's just because he's terminal and we're famous. If we weren't things would be different but we are and I kinda hate it. I wanted my kids to lead a normal life and instead the live one filled with unwanted and surprise pictures. They live lives that don't really include Shawn or I that much but we try our best.

A pair of arms grab my waist and I jump from the touch trying to get them off. "I'm married." I pull away meeting his wide smile.

"At least I know you'd defend yourself." I fall into his arms and his strong grip wraps around me in return, only not as fast as usual. I kiss him softly and the response is different from Shawn's but the looks are a match.

"I want my husband," I growl at him. "Where is he?" My arms cross and the nurse brings me down to another ward looking so extremely depressed as if the whole operation had just fallen apart. I feel bad that I ruined it but I wanna see Shawn.

"He won't eat any more. He says he wants to go home for his final days but we could loose him faster that way. He really wants to meet his babies." She leads me through their sterilization process, still I'm not allowed very close knowing he'd touch me or I'd touch him I can't get any closer than four feet.

"Will you feed me?" He looks at me with soft hurting eyes. The lively happy eyes I'd fallen in love with years ago seem lost. I give him my best nod trying not to brake down, he doesn't need that. And on top of the fact I'd wanna cry on his shoulder and he'd bring me there which is pretty much his death. "I-I'm really hungry?" He gives me a smile and I nod grabbing the mush they feed to him.

"This looks like Skylar's food," I chuckle and he giggles. "She misses you, she really does she has to sleep with a picture of you in her crib because she thinks you got lost or something. She wants us to find you," he nods really sadly, while my hand goes to wipe his tears the nurse grabs my arm.

"I'm sorry," he looks at the bedsheets. "I am so so sorry for what you have to go through on your own and it's all my fault." He cries uncontrollably and the look of regret. "If I'd left you alone we wouldn't be here, you'd be living your dream and that's all I've ever wanted for you."

"Things wouldn't be the same if you'd left me alone." I reach for his arm but again I get pulled away. "You still hungry?" I look at the food and then him, he gives a slow shaky nod and I smile. "I'm glad you're eating lots still." I giggle and he smiles through tears.

"The food here is nothing like yours." He mumbles. "And I wish that I could just have one last meal with all of you but I can't even leave this room." He looks around.

"Lets make the most of it then, all you're doing here is getting better." As he opens his mouth to tell me about how he's dying I stop him. "I'm gonna come and pick you up one day, and I'll make you a huge meal of all of your favourite foods and after we've cleaned up we could go sit on our bed with all of our kids, every single one of the fifteen of them and I will hold you all night. We won't let a second go by that you can't feel our love and excitement."

"When do you think that day could be?" He looks around at all of the nurses who's heads fall. "Baby girl," he reaches for me and I move back. "I know it's not the news you want," again he reaches for me. "But I won't make it long enough to see Skylar turn one, I won't make it long enough to celebrate our twelfth year." His watery eyes go softer than they were before. "I'm really sorry I missed our tenth, and I'm sorry I'll miss our twelfth, and I'm sorry I'll have to leave you behind." He cries gently and all of the nurses rush to his aide.

"Can I help him?" I look and he shakes his head. "Why not, if they can all touch him why can't I?" I pull the shirt and the pants off standing in my undergarments. "I got rid of my outside clothes?" Shawn smiles at my anger and nudity. "Give me gloves give me a mask a hat I don't care," I growl. "Just let me lay with him one more time."

-

I lay in bed with Jake yet again, he looks so disappointed in himself but he won't admit it, he's stubborn like that. "So where were you all day? You missed dinner?" I nod against his chest.

"They let me in to see Shawn," I sniff gently. "I got to lay with him, for two minutes." I can still feel him. He radiates heat and he covered me with his blankets after they made me strip down naked to lay with him. He didn't even pay any attention to that, he just wanted cuddles as did I. I wrapped my arms around him and I lay my head on his chest. His big hand was gently stroking my hair and cheek while the other one rubbed my back up my head and back down again. I tried to do the same for him but he wanted none of it, he'd said he wanted to show me all of the attention I deserved. He deserves the attention from me, he deserves it all but he didn't want any. "I missed that,"