Do you ever just lie awake at night and wonder what you did wrong? Why you were never good enough? What you should've done better?
Yeah, all the time, me too. Sometimes I pretend that everything will be fine and I just need to go to bed, and other times I'm up at 3am, with no solution to my unresting mind.
Everybody I've ever loved pretty much gives me the same answer, word for word from my first ex: "idk.. i just feel like we were meant to take care of each other in a friends kind of way". At the time I respected it, me and her just weren't compatible, especially since she was moving to Illinois while I was just getting knee deep into bullshit at high school here in New York.
But then, I was told it again, and again. And now, I don't respect it. Now I want a fucking reason. I want somebody to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. What I need to do better? Am I ugly? Fuck yeah. Am I a good person? I don't think so. But if I let you into my life you're getting the ride or die treatment. Anything you need I will try my best to help you. But then again, maybe people don't want that anymore.
Ya see the girl I want had a rough childhood. Not the kind where she was toting guns and doing drugs. The kind where she lost her mom to cancer, her best friends moved away for the most part, and she had gotten cheated on by her first and only boyfriend. However, her dad kind of spoils her to an extent. Not in a weird way, I don't think she asks for it, I think he just does it to try and make up for the fact he never loved their mom and he wants his kids to love him.
Me on the other hand. My father was sent to prison when I was like 4. So my mom divorced him and moved back in with her parents. So while my mom struggled to provide for me, my grandparents watched over me. They were my parent figures. My grandfather died 5 years ago or so, and that still hurts. Shortly after that I became a massive stoner and acid addict. And no I'm not blaming his death for that, those were my decisions. I just know he wouldn't be happy with me so I do that to try to forget about it. My real dad died last year, 3 days ago matter fact. I feel nothing towards that, as he was nothing towards me.
As you see, very different people. I was a fucking idiot for thinking I could ever be hers. But still to this day I lay awake at 3am wondering what is wrong with me.
