Behind Classroom Doors

LXV- Learn to Deal

I get home and rush to my room. Everything bad happened here, everything I hate. The first day of school, Dean kissed me on this bed and I liked it. Just months later he was pulling my pants down and holding me down. I used to love him, I used to think we would grow old together and live some fairy tale ending.

I was wrong, he never loved me he just loved to control me. He lied about getting help, he lied about trusting me, he lied about everything! I look at the posters on my wall, they're filled with reminders of the music we both loved. We always had that much in common. I grab the top and rip them down, tearing the logos of my favorite bands. A sense of relief washes over me but it's not enough, everything in this room reminds me of him. The black clothes, the long sleeve shirts, I pull them out of my closet and grab a pair of scissors. I cut through the fabric hastily, needing the satisfaction of destroying something he made me wear. Whether it be from his bruises or his attempts at hiding my body from the rest of the world. They fall in slivers on my floor, yet another place he pinned me on.

When I go back to my closet to find more reminders of him, I find the halter top I wore when he hit me for the first time. He was so outraged so I finally gave in to him. Now I realize that it only gave him incentive to do it again, and again, and again. The rage that I've been suppressing for so long finally bubbles over. I scream and throw the shirt across the room. It hits the vanity and I go up to it. All of this jewelry, the necklaces and the earrings, he bought for me. I don't want any of it. I drag my arms over the surface and let everything fall to the ground. When that isn't enough, I grab the mirror and throw it. It hits the wall and shatters on my floor.

"Livia stop!" My mom screams as she walks in and looks around my room.

I stop, my breathing ragged and heavy. "Why should I?" I gesture to the room with a shrug, "None of it means anything to me!

She takes a step into my room, "Please talk to me, tell me what's going on."

I don't even know what's going on at this point. I just know that I'm angry. "You have no idea what I went through because you were never here!" I yell at her. It's not her fault, but I'm supposed to feel safe in my own home and I just don't.

Tears start to fall down her face. I made her feel guilty for working so much, it's something I had never done before today. "I know, I'm never going to forgive myself for what happened to you." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. None of this is fair, I used to be so happy before this year. I was naive and in denial but happy.

"I can't be here." I say softly.

My mom stays in her spot beside my doorway, as I walk past her and get out of this house as quickly as possible. This morning I found out that I got into my dream school. By lunch I was explaining to a very good friend of mine how my ex abused me. I feel so out of control, like nothing can make me feel better. Maybe it's because I know that nothing can take back what happened. Dean was always going to hurt me.

I drive to Shawn's house and park. I always come back here, it doesn't take a shrink to figure out it's because I feel safe here. Shawn would never hurt me, in fact, he's gone out of his way to protect me.

I turn my car off and get out. I don't have a key but Shawn always keeps the basement unlocked in case I ever wanted to work out when he wasn't home. I haven't needed to be there without him until now. There's still more anger inside me then I know what to do with.

So when I walk in through the basement I put my gloves on. The punching bag now hangs right in front of me. I want to picture it's Dean and hit him back. It's easier than I thought it would be, so I fix my stance and pull my arm back. I hit the bag as hard as I can, so hard that I can feel it through my glove. I grit my teeth and do it again. Then I think about Luke and how he heard stories and did nothing. I have to hold the bag steady after that punch. I think about Becca and how she protected him and hit it again. Then about Hunter and how he couldn't wait one more week for me to end things with Dean on my own. Just because I forgave him doesn't mean a part of me isn't still a little bit mad. I hit the bag for a fourth time but it's me that I'm mad at. I had several chances before he proposed to leave him. I just let fear and love get in the way. I called Luke pathetic but I am too, I let things get worse. I never let the authorities handle things even after I almost had to go to the hospital. Even after New Year's, when he came back. I keep hitting the bag over and over again. I'll keep my promise to Dean, if he ever touches me again I won't think twice to put him in jail.