i was only 14 years old and i felt like a bird that was caged in . Like i was away from the real world .Most people would never understand this feeling the feeling of being bound up and alone in their own life .Their are some out their that do know this feeling all to well . I felt this feeling all the time .I always seemed to be able to hide my feeling real well .I would bottle them up for so long but one day i just couldnt take holding all of it in .I just let it all out but not by crying ,screaming or yelling no i let it out by cutting myself.Even though my father would hit me constantly I still loved him .When he walked out the door that one morning i felt so alone and so unloved. I know I still had my step mom but she was a complet mess when he left . I had to take care of my younger brother my step mom and myself as well . I felt it was my fault that my fater walked out on all of us , I felt i was the reason my step mom and my little brohter was a mess. Once he had left i had to take the role of the parent since my step mom would not do anything . i felt so alone ,lost and confused.i would sit up at night and think about what i did so wrong to deserve all this that i was going through. When i would goto sleep i had dreams of my father replaceing us and my famly hateing me forever and leaveing me as well.I would wake up in a cold swet and crying .I had to make sure that noone knew about how i was feeling .So i would put on a fake smile that always seemed to look so real. but one night i woke up with the same dream but this time it was different it felt so real i could no longer hold all my feelings in . I ran to the bathroom and grabed a razorblade . My thoughts were raceing so fast i couldnt even think straight . I closed my eyes and suddenly i no longer felt like a caged bird i felt free . i flet so good so in controll of everything. Once i opened my eyes i seen that their was blood comeing out of my wrist . i had cut myself . i ran a grabbed a towel quietly so i would not wake anyone up . . I stoped the bleeding and then i looked at my cut and thought to my self i can one cut make you feel so good so free and alive . but once my thought slowed down and i could think straight everthing went back to the way it was befor . I felt the same pain and the same confusetion .
by : victoria bennington
